The Angel Cloaked In Black
by Phantomdeath
Summary: Begins the year after Sirius dies. Harry develops a bit of a crush of his potions master. Severus realizes he has his work cut out for him when he finds out Potter's depressed. Warning: Abuse (Dursleys), Slash (Snarry), cutting, suicide attempt(s). I own nothing! the world we all know and love is one that belongs to JK Rowling.
1. Chapter 1: Blood on My Knife

Chapter 1: Blood on My Knife

It was the day before winter break and the last class of the day. Potions. No one was overly focused, but Harry was particularly distracted. _I hate winter break,_ he thought,_ I'm alone, well more alone than usual. Ron and Hermione are leaving and I'm stuck here. I used to bloody love it here, then Sirius died. Now I really have no family. Being here and seeing other wizards just reminds me that everyone I love might die because of Voldemort. Why do I have to be the goddamn Boy-Who-Lived! _He looked around the room, everyone was focused on their potions and Snape was taunting Neville. Harry looked down at his scarred wrist. There were other cuts that were healing, but he hungered to feel the blade again. He pressed its cool steel to his wrist and made a slender line to match the others. _There, that will tie me over for a while._ He read the next step of instructions "Chop lacewing flies diagonally and add stirring anti-clockwise." It was only after he'd begun adding them that he realized his blood was on the blade and now he was stirring it into his potion. _Shit, well maybe this one isn't—_BOOM! His cauldron exploded.

"Everyone… Remain. Calm. Finish your potions. Potter!" Snape said striding over. When he was inches from Harry's face he growled, "That was one of my best cauldrons." Harry avoided his professor's eyes. "Look. At. Me. When I am speaking to you Potter." His eyes snapped forward, staring unblinkingly into Snape's. _Merlin, those onyx eyes are beautiful. They absolutely glisten when he's pissed. Snap out of it! This is Snape, he bloody well hates you! _Harry sighed. "Detention, tonight. My office." He spun on his heel.

"Professor," Harry started, not knowing where he was going with the rest of the sentence. Snape turned, his eyebrows raised. "Uh…"

"If you have nothing to say… Don't. Waste. My. Time."

"What should I do now?" Harry asked, nearly cutting Snape off. _I shouldn't cut off his silky smooth voice. _

"Since you've destroyed my cauldron, wasted my ingredients, and there is only half an hour left of class, you should leave. And try to arrive on time for your detention," Snape sneered and Malfoy snickered. Hermione shot Malfoy a glare and he stuck his tongue out at her.

"You didn't say when it started, _Professor_."

"8 pm. Sharp."

"It's a date," Harry called to Snape's back as he ducked out of Potions. _"It's a date" what the bloody hell are you thinking? _He chastised himself. His cock was hard as hell and he headed off to the shower.

Once Hermione and Ron finished their potions, they went to find Harry. "Hey mate," Ron began when they found him in the common room, "rough back in Potions. Snape seemed a little more irritable today, didn't he?"

"Probably because the greasy git has nothing better to do than make my life a living hell," Harry said. _As if I don't enjoy the extra attention, even if he is using his sexy voice to taunt me. _

"He was being a total prick today, Harry," Hermione chimed in. Harry smiled, his friends always had his back. Too bad they didn't know what his arms or body looked like. The Dursleys did a number on him with the beatings, and whatever they didn't do, Harry inflicted. He kept his glamours up at all times, he'd made it so they conceal every cut, break, bruise and scratch that was self-inflicted, or done by the Dursleys, was invisible to all medical tests, magical and otherwise. He lay his arm on the chair and his most recent cut burned, he ignored the pain.

"Well, we'd better get going, Hermione, train leaves in…."

Hermione looked at the clock and gasped "Five minutes! Sorry Harry, got to run!" She hugged him as did Ron. "We'll miss you, and we'll write!"

"Get going! Harry said lightly. They turned and ran for the train. Harry laughed once they were gone. _I have an hour to myself before that damn detention. _He went to the bathroom, locked the door, and stripped before the mirror. Harry pulled out his potions knife and made gashes all over his body, from his wrists to his ankles and ribs. He smiled at his blood-covered reflection. After another shower he checked the time._ 7:51_, _guess I'd better get going. _He picked up his bag and started down the hall. When he reached Snape's door, he knocked.

"Enter," came the bored reply.

He pushed open the door and stepped in. "You managed to make it on time."

"I did, sir!" Harry said with a smile and a bit of enthusiasm.

"Did you want a bloody medal?" Snape asked sarcastically, his top lip curling. "Sit," he ordered. Harry sat where he was standing. "In a chair you idiot." Harry's cheeks burned as he stood and crossed the room. He sat in a chair that faced Snape perfectly.

"Is this good, _Professor_?" He retorted, voice dripping with sarcasm. Snape raised an eyebrow.

"Five point from Gryffindor."

"What the hell for?"

"Ten. Insubordination," Snape said slowly.

"Fine then. Isn't this detention? Shouldn't I be doing something?" Harry asked, trying to get Snape to tell him to do something, anything, so he could stop concentrating on how sexy his potions master looked and sounded.

"Well Potter," Snape sneered, "since you're just such high maintenance, you can clean all the cauldrons that still properly function. If you can manage that. Report back here when you've completed this… simple task." Harry nodded and raced over to begin washing the cauldrons.

He took delicate care in cleaning them, for if they were scrubbed in the wrong direction, they could cause a potion to explode. _Bet Snape doesn't know I know that, _Harry thought smugly. The soap dripped down his arm and he brought his other hand around to catch it before it hit his shirt. His hand was so cold, he shuddered when it touched the warm skin of his forearm. He cupped the arm and slid his hand down toward his wrist. He shuddered and imagined the same sensation on his cock, _a freezing hand, coated in a slick substance_—"Potter! Are you working or daydreaming?" Came the question from across the room.

"Uhh, working? Professor," Harry said cautiously. Snape nodded and returned to the essays he was grading. _Phew, that was close, _Harry thought, trying to relax and get rid of his now-pesky boner. He succeeded, finished washing the cauldrons, and walked back over to Snape. "I've finished, sir."

"Good. Now do you care to enlighten me as to how you managed to explode your cauldron in class?"

"I must have just added the ingredients incorrectly –"

"Don't. Lie. To. Me. I know exactly what those ingredients do with each other, even when added in the wrong order and no such combination yields an explosion," Snape snapped.

"Well I…"

"Yes," Snape urged, his voice thick with irritation.

"There was blood on my knife, I must have nicked myself when cutting the lacewing flies," Harry stammered.

"Very well, you may go," Snape said, looking back down at the essay before him. Harry stood and left. _Not even a second look. I doubt he even cares about me a lick._


	2. Chapter 2: Praise

Chapter 2: Praise

The following week was incredibly uneventful in Harry's eyes. He'd tried everything he could to get Snape's attention, but he was ignored. The man didn't spend much time out of his private chambers and Harry was growing impatient. It was nearly Christmas and he only had one wish on his mind, and it wasn't a sweater from Mrs. Weasley. That morning at breakfast, Harry noticed Snape was gone. He got up the courage and messily scribbled a note on a stray piece of parchment.

_Professor Snape,_

_I noticed your absence at breakfast, are you alright?_

_Potter._

Harry sprinted to the owlery and tied the letter to Hedwig.

Severus was laying in his bed, dreading getting up. He had one of the worst hangovers in his life. As he lifted his hand to reach for his wand, he felt something soft and feathery. He opened one eye and saw a yellow-eyed snowy owl staring back at him, expectantly. He untied the letter from her leg and expected her to fly off, she didn't. _What the hell? Oh an owl, I guess she's expecting a treat,_ he flipped her a cookie and she left. When he opened the letter, it wasn't anything he'd ever thought he'd read. Severus had to go over the words, handwriting, and signature numerous times before he could accept that Potter was worried about him. _Why the hell would he care about me? I'm just a 'greasy git of a potions master' to him. Or am I? _

_Potter,_

_I'm fine. Would you like to meet tonight in my office? 7 pm. I could use someone to get a bit of work done for me._

_-S_

His owl held out her leg and pecked at him before he had finished. He tied it on and she flew away. He watched as her black frame disappeared through his chambers, since there were no windows, she had to take an alternate route. He groaned as he tried to pull himself from his bed. Snape swung both his feet over the edge of his bed and tried to stand in one fluid motion. He slipped and fell into a fowl smelling puddle which, he came to the conclusion, had to be his own vomit. He shuddered and flicked his wand, the sick disappeared. "Shower," he mumbled to no one. Snape shuffled to the bathroom where he saw a sobering draught on the sink. _Clearly I was looking out for myself,_ he thought. _Why did I decide that was a good idea? Did I bloody go to the gay bar again? _He wracked his brain, trying to remember something from the night before. _Oh, right. I was wallowing in self-pity for losing Lilly. Damn Potter for reminding me of her. _His fingers itched to uncork another bottle and drown himself in alcohol, just to forget for another few hours, but he resisted. He drank the draught and showered, feeling some-what better, he checked the time. 5:47. _Merlin, I slept all day. I doubt Potter will show anyway. Why did I send him that letter?_

Harry was sitting in his bed, looking out the window. _Snape would never respond to anyone, let alone me. How stupid am I?_ An owl hooted beside him and he knew it wasn't Hedwig. He turned and was met with green eyes glowing against midnight back feathers. "Hello there, who are you?" The owl held out its leg, Harry untied the letter and before he could reach for an owl treat, the bird took off again. He unfolded the parcel and read it four times. _Snape wants ME to meet him in his office tonight at 7! Me! _Harry thought excitedly.

The following hours crept by, Harry kept staring at the clock. There was very little to keep him busy since Ron and Hermione weren't around. _Even if they were here these remaining minutes would be hell. _Harry started thinking about how alone he really was. He felt around in his schoolbag for his potions knife. Smirking, he pressed it to the exposed flesh of his wrists, sighing as the blood trickled down his arm. Harry watched as it dripped on the floor beneath him, he smiled and cut more, deeper cuts into his arms, a few in his ribs and hips. Magic made it easy to clean up. A quick "Scourgify" and the blood disappeared. Once he bandaged himself up and stored his knife, his thoughts drifted to his potions master. _What's Snape going to have me do? _He checked the time again. _6:45, yes! _ Harry jumped up from his bed, threw on his schoolbag and began sprinting to the dungeons. Halfway down, he smacked into McGonagall. _SHIT! _"Potter, where are you off to in such a hurry?" He shifted his weight from foot-to-foot as he jogged his mind for a reasonable explanation.

"I was on my way to…" Harry began.

"Yes?" She pressed.

"The bathroom, I really must be going," he said clumsily and began sprinting down a different hallway. McGonagall stared after him, shrugged, and want back on her way. Harry arrived at Snape's door early, five minutes early. He tried to use the time to calm down, his heart was racing. It was no use. He knocked and the silk voice answered.

"Enter."

Harry stepped in and quickly rushed to Snape's desk, dropping his schoolbag at his potion master's feet. "What can I do?"

"Well first, you could shut the door you left ajar," he said quietly. Harry ran back to the door, chastising himself the whole way. The door closed with a slam. "Potter! Was the slamming necessary?!"

"Sorry, sir," he mumbled quietly as he made his way back to Snape's desk.

"I need you to brew some Wolfsbane for me, it's a difficult potion; do you think you can manage?" Harry nodded enthusiastically. "Good." He gestured to a table that had a cauldron and ingredients. Harry walked over to the table and began following directions Snape had written on the board. When he finally completed the potion he looked up. Snape was nowhere to be found. _Damn. Where the hell is he? _A door behind him creaked open and he spun around, Snape walked in. "Why so jumpy, Potter?" Harry shrugged.

"I finished the Wolfsbane," he whispered and Snape crossed the room. His potions master raised his eyebrows as he studied the potion.

"You didn't completely muck it up, thank you, Mr. Potter," he said cautiously, as though the cauldron would spontaneously combust should he compliment Potter too quickly. Harry's heart skipped a beat. _Snape praised me! _"You are dismissed." Harry nodded and bounded away, back to his dormitory.


	3. Chapter 3: Happy Christmas

Chapter 3: Happy Christmas

The remainder of winter break crawled by. Harry looked forward to meals when he would see Snape across the dining hall. He occupied his time getting ahead on his homework, Potions in particular, and sketching. _Maybe if I can impress him, he'll care. _Harry worked hard, he finished the five foot essay on Wolfsbane. It was far easier to complete now that he had made the potion correctly. He had also completed twenty different drawings of Snape. Before Harry left his dorm, he made sure all of his drawings and supplies were carefully hidden in his trunk. _Can't let anyone find those, _he thought to himself as he stored them.

The train arrived that night at five. Ron and Hermione ran over to Harry, presenting him with Christmas gifts. "Happy Christmas, Harry!" they said in unison.

"Happy Christmas," he said smiling. "I have something for both of you, come on!" He said, turning to run back to the Gryffindor common room. They followed. When they arrived, he gave each of them a sheet of rolled-up poster—sized paper. Harry and Ron looked at Hermione as if to say 'open yours first.' She complied. A smiled broke out upon her face as she unfurled the paper.

"Well, let me see!" Ron said. Hermione turned the paper around so it faced the guys and Ron stared in amazement. It was a pencil drawing of Hermione, the shading and all the details were painstakingly perfect.

"Go on, open yours," Harry said, nudging Ron in the ribs. He did and his jaw dropped. Harry had given Ron an equally impressive pencil drawing of himself, each freckle was perfect.

"When did you have time for this? How did you…?" Hermione asked.

"Well, I haven't got much of a way to leave the castle, honestly. And one day I was just doodling and I realized that I had drawn an outline of your face, so I went with it. Same to you Ron," he added to the still-in-shock ginger. _And a fabulous one of Snape,_ Harry mentally noted with a smirk.

"Open ours then!" Ron said impatiently when he found his voice again. Harry smiled and opened the one from Ron first. It was a new prank Fred and George were testing, a fake wand that sprays ink when grabbed, Harry loved it.

"Thanks Ron!"

"You're welcome!" As Harry was tearing the wrapping of Hermione's present, an owl flitted in. _The same one from before,_ Harry thought quizzically. It dropped a note in his lap and flew away again.

"Who's that from, Harry?" Hermione asked, craning her neck to try to get a glimpse of the writing.

"I haven't a clue," he replied, shifting slightly so the note fell from sight and continued to open the package. When he finally got the wrapping off, he was met with a box. Harry glanced up at her with an amused smirk. "Do you enjoy making me work for my presents?"

"I love it," she joked. Ron laughed and Harry ripped open the box. A book fell into his lap.

"A book? You got him a book?" Ron asked laughing.

"Not just any book! Open it Harry!" He did and was met with potion instructions that had notes scribbled all in the margins and between lines. "I know you sometimes have a rough time in Potions and I thought maybe this would help, especially all the notes and stuff. I tried one out and it worked really well," she said quietly. Harry's heart was practically exploding, this was the best thing anyone could have ever gotten him. He had to fight back the tears and the lump in his throat as he thanked Hermione. She could tell that it meant a lot to him, even though she didn't know why. Ron had no clue what transpired between them, as he was still laughing uncontrollably.

"Shut up Ron!" Harry said playfully. He tried to calm down but couldn't. "It wasn't that funny!" Harry insisted, but he just made Ron laugh harder. _This is nice, _he thought. _I missed this while they were gone. _"Come on, let's go get dinner before the dining hall closes!" this got Ron to stop and he stood, ready to get food. Hermione giggled and Harry snorted.

"What!?" Ron inquired. Harry shook his head, smirking.

"Just you," he said as he stood. The letter fluttered to the floor but he snatched it before anyone noticed. Harry tucked it into his pocket and followed Hermione and Ron to dinner.

Later in the night when he was able to retire to his bed, Harry took out the note and unfolded it.

_Potter,_

_In your haste, you managed to leave your schoolbag by my desk. I assumed you would come back for it, but it appears there was nothing of value in it. As classes begin tomorrow, you should pick it up this evening. _

_Professor Snape_

Harry looked at the time. _Midnight, shit. _He climbed out of his bed and hastily threw his invisibility cloak on over his boxers. _I'll slip in, grab it, and leave,_ he reasoned. He left the common room and crept down to the dungeons. He pushed open the door to the Potions room, it creaked. Harry froze before he entered. He looked cautiously around and his gaze fell upon his bag. _Yes!_ Harry inched across the room, not wanting to disturb any of the cauldrons in case there was a potion brewing. He reached his bag, picked it up and wrapped the cloak around it too.

"Mister Potter," the voice came from behind him, sending shivers up his spine.

"Sir? How did you know it's me?" Harry asked quietly from under the cloak, fearing Snape could see him.

"Lucky guess," Severus said nonchalantly. Harry remained silent and attempted to leave without his professor noticing. "Are you going to remove that bloody cloak? There's something I need to discuss with you." Harry shivered again, _how does he do this to me? _Severus, irritated by Potter's silence, reached forward and pulled the cloak from him. Harry gasped and covered his boner with his schoolbag. A look of shock flickered across Snape's face but was replaced by the normal, emotionless mask. "Perhaps," he began slowly, "another time would be better." Harry nodded vigorously, his cheeks burning. Snape handed him the invisibility cloak, Harry wrapped it back around himself, leaving only his head exposed. "Return to your dormitory. Detention tomorrow night for… Never mind. Five points from Gryffindor for sneaking around at night. Go." Snape commanded as he turned on his heel, leaving Harry alone to ponder what just occurred.

As he walked back to Gryffindor Tower, his mind raced. _He had to have seen it. Thank Merlin I always have my glamours up or he would have seen the cuts and scars… Why was he so nice about it? Was it just that awkward? Was he being nice? _He finally reached his bed, stowed his bag and cloak, and climbed beneath the covers. He didn't dream that night.


	4. Chapter 4: I Was Sleeping

Chapter 4: I Was Sleeping

Harry woke the next morning excited for classes to begin again. He practically sprinted to breakfast, forgetting to wake Ron in the process. "Harry? Where's Ron?" Hermione asked as she buttered a piece of toast.

"Shit, he's probably still asleep. I forgot to wake him," Harry said absentmindedly. He was looking up at the professor's table, daydreaming about Snape. An idea for a drawing struck him and he grabbed a stray quill. He began sketching outlines before he realized where he was. Harry quickly folded the parchment and looked around to see if anyone had noticed. It appeared as though they hadn't.

"Harry?" Hermione asked after he folded a sketch.

"Huh?"

"I was just asking of you wanted me to wake Ron… I can do it from here with a spell." Harry nodded in reply and got up from the table without another word. He headed straight to his first class, potions. When he arrived, he sat at his usual spot and turned his knife over in his fingers. _Snape won't want me anyway. I'm wasting my time, _he thought as he carved a new line in his arm. He hissed at the sharp pain, but it quickly faded to relief. He exhaled slowly, enjoying the feeling of blood tricking down his arm. Harry bandaged himself quickly and waved his wand so the blood on the table and knife vanished. _Don't want to explode another cauldron._ He checked the time. _7:34, I've got time to work on this. _He pulled out the parchment from breakfast and decided to just work on the bodies. It was a sketch of Snape fucking him in the ass. He smiled as he looked at the rough, unidentifiable outlines. _No one could possibly be able to tell who they are. To anyone else, they're just two random guys._ Harry started shading the lower halves of the men, smirking as he worked. He didn't hear when Malfoy came in, nor when he walked up behind Harry and watched him sketch for a few moments before speaking.

"That your boyfriend, Potter? I didn't think anyone would like you enough to do that," he jeered, gesturing to the sketch. Harry jumped at the sudden noise, spilling ink over a large section of the drawing. Only the lower halves of the couple were visible. Crabbe and Goyle were far enough behind him, they couldn't see what he was doodling but they laughed anyway. Harry tried to shove the dripping drawing in his bag, but Malfoy snatched it.

"Give it here, Malfoy!" Harry shouted as he held it out of reach.

"Or else what? You'll kiss me?" Draco taunted, puckering his lips in jest.

"Don't tempt me," Harry said, sarcasm dripping off every word. Malfoy stuck out his tongue as he lowered his hand.

"What's this?" A deep, silky voice said behind Draco.

"It's Potter's! He drew it!" Malfoy said, pointing at Harry.

"Well, Mr. Potter do enlighten me, what is this dripping mess of parchment supposed to be?" Snape asked with a glare. Harry noticed that the ink had fully covered his sketch and cursed under his breath, it was a rather good sketch. "Language, Potter," Snape snapped. "Ten points from Gryffindor." Harry glared at him but remained silent. Snape threw the inky mess back down on Harry's desk and stalked away. Harry grimaced at the mess now on his desk as he picked up the dripping parchment with shaking fingers. He waved his wand and the inky parchment vanished. Sighing, he sat and waited for class to begin.

When potions ended, Harry stalked into the hall where he was cornered by Malfoy. "Snape may not have gotten a look at what you drew, but I did. I should have known. You've got every girl you want drooling over you but—"

"Shut up! Shut up!" Harry said through clenched teeth.

Malfoy turned to the small crowd around them smirking. "Potter wants dick!" He announced, a few of them sniggered, some looked disgusted, and others just looked at him as though he were a pathetic puppy. Harry sprinted past Malfoy, running blindly forward. He turned back to see if anyone had followed him; as he did he smacked into Snape, who staggered backward from the impact.

"Ten points from Gryffindor," he growled at Harry, who was now on the floor fighting to not cry. A look of concern flashed across Snape's face but was replaced quickly by the emotionless mask he always wore. He stalked away from Harry who was just getting up. Harry started running again, this time he had a destination. The bathroom holding the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets. Once he shut and locked the door, he pulled his knife from his bag and began making gashes in his arms and ribs. He staggered to the side, lightheaded from blood loss. Righting himself, he made a deep cut down his collar bone. The room smelled of metallic blood. Harry shivered, he liked the scent. His head was spinning, _or am I falling? _Black spots pricked his vision.

Harry's eyes shot open and he was met with blackness. _I've either gone blind or I've spent the entire day passed out on the bathroom floor._ He forced himself into a sitting position and nearly fainted again. Taking a few deep breaths, he tried to stand. Harry fell to the floor with a splash. _What the…? _He felt around in the unknown liquid for his wand. "Lumos," he whispered when he found it. His wand emitted a bright white light, illuminating the ground. Harry looked down and realized he was sitting in his own blood. He put a hand to his collarbone to find it still tricking blood and cursed. "Nox." Still too dizzy to get up, Harry remained where he was, hoping no one would find him.

The sun started to rise after a few hours, allowing Harry to see the full extent of the mess on the floor. He shook his head, "Scourgify," he grumbled, and tried to stand again. Bracing himself on the sink, he was able to remain upright. A glance in the mirror told him many cuts were still bleeding. He sighed and hunted through his bag for gauze and tape.

Once Harry was bandaged, he took a few steps away from the sink. He decided he was strong enough to make it to class. He made sure his glamours were up and his robes covered all the gauze. _Transfiguration is first today_, he thought with a groan, _I didn't study for the test. Shit. _He slowly made his way to class. No one was present when he arrived. _Brilliant._ He got to his desk and sighed heavily. "Mr. Potter," Harry flinched when McGonagall's hand made contact with his shoulder.

"Yes, professor?" He asked quietly, not looking at her.

"Where were you yesterday?"

"I was sleeping, sorry." _'I was sleeping'? Really? Well it is kind of true, if you consider fainting in a puddle of your own blood sleeping._

She sighed and shook her head, "detention, tonight," he looked up sadly. "Not with me, with Professor Snape." Harry's face fell further, he didn't think he could handle manual labor in his current state.

"Why with him?" Harry asked as innocently as he could.

"He offered," she said as students started flooding in. McGonagall left him and went to the front of the room to prepare the examination. Ron and Hermione fell into the chairs beside Harry.

"Hey, mate, where've you been?" Ron asked.

"We've been so worried, Harry!" Hermione said, nearly cutting Ron off.

"I er… ended up falling asleep after potions, tired." _Easier to keep up with the same lie._ They nodded, expecting more, but Harry offered nothing else.

"So is it true, Harry?" Ron asked quietly, breaking the silence.

"RONALD!" Hermione shouted as Harry asked, "Is what true?" She shot Ron a glare and shook her head, but he answered Harry's question.

"The rumors?" Harry's head started spinning so he played dumb.

"What rumors?"

"The ones about you being gay. Are they true?"

Harry shifted uncomfortably in his chair. He truly didn't know how to answer the question.


	5. Chapter 5: Detention

Chapter 5: Detention

As Harry made his way to detention with Snape, he thought about what had happened earlier that day.

'_The [rumors] about you being gay. Are they true?' Ron asked him. Harry shifted awkwardly to avoid answering and just as he opened his mouth to reply, McGonagall started class. Harry shut his mouth and shrugged an apology. Hermione gently nudged him with her shoulder in place of a hug. He avoided them until lunch. He strongly considered skipping the meal but came to the conclusion that he would rather talk to them than faint in class. _

_Harry sat at the table beside Hermione and across from Ron. "So…?" Ron said, when everyone was quiet. _

_Harry sighed "I don't know," he began as two Slytherin boys ran past him laughing. He shook his head and continued "I think I am but I've never… I…"_

"_It's okay, Harry," Hermione said quietly she knew this had to be hard for him. Ron nodded in agreement. _

"_Really, I don't know! Alright? It's confusing." He said with venom in his voice. They let it alone after that._

Harry made it to the potions room and knocked on the closed door.

"Enter," came the silky reply. Harry came in and closed the door. Snape looked up from his work. "Potter." He sneered.

"Y-yes, sir?" He stuttered.

"Well Potter, can't even formulate a bloody sentence," He spat, furiously.

"Sorry, sir," Harry choked.

Severus sighed, shaking his head. "Your grade in my class is dangerously low, are you aware?"

"Yes, sir," he said glumly. Even though he was trying to raise it, the last incident with the cauldron really knocked his marks down.

"Are you interested in changing that… unfortunate circumstance?" His voice got deeper. Harry shivered and could feel himself growing hard.

"What did you have in mind, professor?" He asked, cautiously.

"Perhaps you could provide me with a sort of… service." Severus said slowly.

"What kind of service?" Harry whispered.

Snape closed the distance between them and came up behind the boy. He put his hands around Harry, pulling him closer as he whispered, "Pleasure." The alluring tone made Harry moan. _Is he actually going to enjoy this? _Severus asked himself, but quickly dismissed the thought. _It doesn't matter. _He stepped back from Harry, who nearly fell backwards. Snape dropped his outer robe, revealing a black dress shirt and midnight black pants. He smirked as he watched Potter's emerald eyes grow to the size of saucers. He unbuttoned his pants as he spoke. "Unzip them. With. Your. Teeth." He instructed. Harry slowly fell to his knees before his potions master. He took the cool metal in his teeth and pulled down. "Good," Severus whispered, growing hard himself. He felt Potter's warm breath on his cock. Harry stared up at Snape, awaiting further instruction. "Strip," he commanded and Harry did so. He faltered when he got down to his threadbare, plaid boxes. He froze, standing awkwardly, with his fingers beneath the waistband. "Those too," the silk voice whispered. He slowly slid his boxers off, shivering as the draft hit him. He hadn't noticed that his professor had slipped his jeans to mid-thigh. "Remove mine." Harry slowly sank back to the ground, marveling at the length of Snape's erect, silk-clad cock. He leaned forward and took the material between his teeth. As he slipped them down, his lip grazed his potion master's boner. Both shivered at the connection. Severus pulled Harry's head closer to his member. "Suck me." Harry did as told, taking Snape deeper and deeper down his throat. He was chocking but didn't care, he desired this. Harry swirled his tongue around Severus's cock, moans escaped his throat as he pleasured his professor. Snape's head rolled back in ecstasy as Potter sucked him, harder and deeper. He felt the boy's tongue tease him and clenched a fist full of the boy's hair. He took it as long as he could manage. "Enough," he said, pulling back. He knelt beside Potter, picking his wand up from his desk as he sank to the ground. Severus positioned the raven-haired boy as he wanted him, on his knees, ass in the air, hands on the floor in front of him. He admired Harry's ribs and collarbone, wanting to bite them. _No Severus, _he schooled himself,_ don't push your luck. _Harry breathed heavily as he anticipated what would come next. Harry smiled to himself. _Not everyone gets to live their fantasies,_ he thought as Snape traced his hands down his body. Severus was behind Potter, preparing him for penetration. Harry hissed when Snape stuck a finger in his ass, he wasn't ready. "Potter, are you a virgin?" Harry nodded, blushing. Severus snorted. "All the more fun then." He waved his wand. Harry shivered as he felt a cool, slick substance coated him.

Severus smirked as he entered Potter. Harry hissed and suppressed a scream. Snape leaned forward, so his lips were by Potter's ear. "I don't care if you scream," he whispered, voice dripping with pleasure. Granting Harry a sliver of mercy, Severus started thrusting slowly. With each penetration Harry grunted, a few tears spilled down his cheeks. As Severus picked up the pace, Harry's grunts shifted from agony to pleasure. Both were breathing heavily as the potions master reached and unimaginable speed. Snape again grabbed a fist of the raven hair as he came closer and closer to his own climax. Harry clawed the stone floor, the pleasure was nearly unbearable. He screamed as he came, splattering the floor with his load. The stark white against the dark tones of the stone made Severus purr with delight. Severus came in Harry moments later, gasping for breath. The two collapsed, side by side on the floor, breathing heavily and covered in sweat. "Scourgify," Severus mumbled. The evidence of what occurred, disappeared.

"Alright. Up," he said to Potter once they had a few minutes to relax. Harry staggered to his feet and started pulling on his clothes again. His arse hurt terribly. By the time he was dressed, Snape was already sitting at his desk grading essays.

"Sir?" Harry asked, unsure of what he was supposed to do. He was absolutely high on bliss.

"What, Potter?" Snape sneered.

"I—er… What should I do now?"

"Seeing as curfew was twenty minutes ago, five points from Gryffindor. You should return to your dormitory," he suggested quietly.

"Right. Bye!" Harry said cheerfully and disappeared through the door.

Severus shook his head once the door closed. _What have I done?_

**A/N: Sorry for the tardiness in posting, I've been in and out of the hospital with my mum for the past few weeks.**


	6. Chapter 6: Nothing More

Chapter 6: Nothing More

Harry practically floated to his room, he lay in his bed and went thought the memory of what just occurred until sleep took him.

Severus couldn't concentrate on the essays he was grading, guilt plagued him. _I shouldn't have taken advantage of Potter. Oh come now, Severus, you've done this before with your Slytherins. Shut up! You know they are well aware that it is nothing but a way to get a higher mark. _Snape argued with himself. _I fucked up. I shouldn't have… But Potter appeared to enjoy it. _He shook his head. _Get a hold of yourself, Severus! It. Doesn't. Matter. If. Potter. Liked. It! It's worse if he liked it. Oh shit. What if he wants it again? Don't be ridiculous; he's not going to want it again. He did it for the marks. _"He did it for the marks," he repeated it aloud to force himself to believe it.

Severus retired to his chambers when he realized he wasn't getting anymore work done, regret carving itself into his heart as he poured himself a glass of Firewhiskey. He took a large drink, the liquid burned his throat as he sank into a leather chair. Glancing around his library, he studied the dark brown shelves occupying the wall across from him. The shelves were layered in books and they surrounded a fireplace that was nestled in the wall. A fire glowed brightly from within the dark bricks. Severus sighed as he looked around his small quarters. The portrait that guarded the entrance opened into his library on the left and his quaint kitchen on the right. To the back, there were hidden doors in the bookshelves. One led to a bathroom. Another to Snape's room. And the last, to an unused guest room. He set his empty glass on the wooden table before him and stood. Severus walked to his room quietly, he opened the bookshelf-door with a well concealed handle. He walked to his bed, too lazy to change his clothes, he slipped off his outer robes and fell into bed. His sleep was filled with a strange combination of dreams and nightmares.

Harry woke early the next morning and hastily scrawled a note to Snape.

_Professor,_

_Thanks for last night. I'll never forget it. Ever! It was brilliant, you were brilliant! Like a dream! I still can't believe it happened. _

_H_

He gave it to Hedwig to carry it in her beak. "Give this to Snape, but don't let anyone see you, girl" he whispered. She hooted and took off. Harry stood and took his time getting ready that morning. He was slightly frustrated that his hair looked like a mop no matter what he did, but he didn't let it dampen his mood. He strolled down to an early breakfast, sitting next to Ginny. "Morning," he said cheerfully.

"Hi, Harry," She replied sweetly. "How are you?"

"Absolutely brilliant," He replied, meaning it for the first time in a long time, "You?"

"I'm okay, I think I failed a potions essay though," she said glumly.

"Don't get too down, you're a smart witch."

"Yeah, maybe Snape will let me make it up!" She said sarcastically. Even though Harry knew she was only joking, jealousy ensnared him.

"Maybe," he said darkly, looking up at the professor table. Severus was there, looking angrier than ever. "I have to go," he said quickly, standing.

"Okay, bye," Ginny said, her voice wavered with her confusion. Harry left the dining hall, fear nibbling at his heart. _Is he mad at me? Did I do something wrong? Was it the note? _With all the questions flashing though his head, he hadn't noticed someone was blocking his path until he smacked into him. Harry looked up to see Severus glaring down at him.

"My office. Now," he seethed. Harry cringed as he pulled himself off the floor.

When they got in his office, Snape cast a silencing spell before he slammed his hands on his desk. "What is this?" He inquired harshly, holding up the slip of parchment on which Harry had written the note.

"Just a thank you?" Harry replied with a quivering voice. Severus stalked before him, his eyes piercing the boy's soul. Harry shrunk under the glare. "I'm sorry," he managed in a whisper.

"Potter, what happened last night was just a way for you to improve your grades. Nothing more." Harry nodded quickly, just wanting to get out. He was fighting tears and the lump that formed in his throat.

"Okay," he said quietly, trying to keep his voice even.

"It won't happen again. Work harder in class. Forget last night happened." Severus saw the pain flash across Potter's face, but ignored it. _He doesn't care, he doesn't care, _Snape thought to himself.

"Okay, may I go now?"

"You are dismissed," Snape said. Harry turned on his heel and sprinted through the door. He got halfway back to his dormitory when he ran into the last person he wanted to see. Malfoy.

"Potter."

"Malfoy," Harry's voice held more malice than Draco had ever heard before. It shocked him, but not enough to keep him from taunting Potter.

"Did your boyfriend dump you? Oh wait, you didn't have one to begin with! Who would want you?" Rage boiled in Harry's stomach. Before he knew what was happening, his fist was connecting with Draco's nose. A sickening crunch echoed through the empty hallway, followed by a scream. Harry backed away and ran. He sprinted back to the bathroom to which he ran the time he fainted.

Frantically, he riffled through his bag until he found his knife. He made a deep slit in his wrist and felt the relief flood through him. It was short-lived. Harry's mind shifted back to his short conversation with Malfoy and his words echoed through Harry's head. _"Who would want you? Who would want you? Who would want you…"_ Over and over until Harry couldn't take it anymore. He slammed the blade into his ribs, hard. The cracking of bone made him flinch, but he was too numb to fee. Harry carved "Who would want you" into his left forearm. The words were a stark red against the fading slashes from earlier, eventually, when they faded, the scars would all blur together. Beneath it he carved "Severus will never want you." He screamed as the pain hit him. As he curled up on the floor, he noticed the potion book fall from his bag. Harry pulled himself over to it, leaving a trail of blood. He flipped through it quickly and found what he was searching for. A death potion.


	7. Chapter 7: Potter Missing Potions

Chapter 7: Potter Missing Potions

Severus watched as Harry ran out of his office. _He looked dangerously upset… Snap out of it! You. Don't. Care. About. POTTER! _He sulked to the potions lap to prepare for his first class, Potter would be in it. Snape found his thoughts drifting back to the boy as he set up cauldrons and wrote instructions on the board. _Stop worrying—worrying? I am not worrying! –you're going to see him in a few minutes anyway. _Those minutes felt like hours.

Finally class started, the students flooded in and Potter wasn't with them. Severus's heart plummeted. "Today you will be brewing—" he faltered slightly and glanced at the board "—an Invigorating Draught. A simply potion. Even Weasley can't muck it up," he continued, using that as an excuse to stare at Potter's empty seat. He crossed the room, glaring at Granger. "Where's Potter?" He asked with a smirk. "Too good for potions now?"

She didn't break eye-contact, but fear flashed across her face. "I don't know, sir," she replied solemnly. He studied her face for a few moments before he spun around and clapped his hands.

"Begin," he said in a clipped tone. Severus pushed the worry from his mind, writing it off as Potter being rebellious. Part of him didn't think it was true, but he had more pressing issues. Neville just exploded one of his cheap cauldrons. He lectured the boy but let him off easy: one detention with Filch. Severus was going to give him a more severe sentence, but he caught sight of Malfoy's broken nose as he was speaking. Blood was splattered down the Slytherin's tie and the front of his robes. _Very unprofessional, _Snape mused. "Mr. Malfoy," he said sharply, crossing the room and jerking Draco out of the room by his collar. "How did you get this?" He asked, gesturing to the boy's nose—a small trickle of blood still running from it. A smile spread across Malfoy's face.

"Potter punched me," he stated smugly. A muscle in Snape's face twitched.

"Where is he now?" He asked slowly. Draco shrugged.

"Probably hiding from you. He knows I'm your favourite." Severus fought back a snort. Draco was far from his favourite. He hated his Godson but obviously couldn't let it be known.

"Get to the hospital wing."

"What about my potion?" Malfoy whined.

"It's fine. Go." Severus hissed and Draco shot off like a bullet.

The remainder of the day flew by for Snape. Before he knew it, he was back in his chambers, getting ready to sleep. Severus lay awake in his bed that night. Worry was eating at his core. After an hour of attempting to sleep, he sighed and pushed himself up out of bed again. He sauntered to his kitchen and made a pot of coffee. His mind was moving at a sluggish pace due to exhaustion, but still too quickly for him to sleep. He grumbled as he poured the beverage in a black mug and sat at the table. _Why would Potter punch Malfoy in the nose? At least that's obvious. I'd punch the little prick if I had the chance. But what happened? Where is the boy? _Severus wracked his mind, thinking of where he could have disappeared. _That's not the question that needs answering, _he realized. _Not where… Why. _He grabbed a quill and parchment and wrote whatever came to mind.

_Potter: __Virgin,__ upset, defensive, tired, thin, emotional, backs down, hides, punched Draco, terrible past…._

He wrote for hours on end. When Severus finally put the quill down, he studied what he'd written. _So an emaciated, recently deflowered, grumpy ball of emotions. A teenager. I'm worried for nothing. _But something nagged at the back of his mind. He was missing something and try as he might, he couldn't figure out what it was. A glance at the clock told him that if he fell asleep now, he could get in three hours of rest before his alarm. He gave up and retired to his bed, sleep claimed him instantly.

Harry left the bathroom after curfew. He returned to his dormitory without being noticed. Unfortunately, Ron was awake and heard him riffling through his trunk. "Hey, Harry," he said softly from the shadows. Harry froze.

"Hi," he replied in a clipped tone as he pulled on a pair of sweatpants.

"Where have you been?" Ron asked, clearly too tired to pick up on the tone.

"I just needed a day to get away from everyone and relax," Harry said softly_. It wasn't a total lie_, he reassured himself. Ron nodded in the dim light and fell back to sleep.

Harry climbed into his own bed and stared at the dark ceiling, remembering the night before. _I wasn't scared… okay maybe I was, a little. Sometimes it looked like he was going to hit me, but he never did. I don't think I flinched much with Snape. _He tried to think back to the night in better detail but was interrupted by awful memories. Harry remembered a few of the hundreds of times Vernon had hit him. He shuddered and tried to push it out of his head with thoughts of Snape. _It was almost like he liked it too. Maybe it's all my imagination, _Harry thought as Malfoy's words echoed through his mind again. The thought of Snape being angry with him ripped him to shreds. He hadn't meant to anger his potions master… just wanted to thank him. _And win his heart,_ a voice in the back of his head chimed in. Harry's heart pounded at the thought of Snape enjoying the sex. He quickly shook the thought from his mind. _Don't hope, it just hurts more in the end. At least my end will be coming soon. I just have to figure out how to get the ingredients…_He sighed and rolled over, crying himself to sleep, as he always did.


	8. Chapter 8: Realization

Chapter 8: Realization

Severus woke with a start an hour before his alarm. He'd just remembered something, but couldn't quite place it. The memories of that night with Potter slipped into his head. Despite desperately trying to push them out, he just remembered more vividly. Something new stood out. Potter flinched every time Severus reached over him. _He always flinched,_ he thought, thinking back to the numerous times he'd watched the odd behaviour. _He even flinches when his friends sit by him. Am I the only one who has noticed? _He asked himself, fearing the answer. Severus knew what made people flinch at everything. He knew it far too well and didn't want to believe that Potter, of all people, wasn't getting the royal treatment everyone assumed he did at home. He ran a hand through his greasy, black hair as he thought of a plan. When at last he thought of something, he stole a glance at the time. _6.57. Brilliant, I have three more minutes to sleep. _He lay back on the bed, collapsing in exhaustion.

By lunch, rumors of Snape skipping his first classes had spread through the school like wild fire. As Harry sat at his table, Ron clapped him on the back. "Harry!" He said cheerfully.

"Yeah?" Harry asked questioningly. "What's going on?" Ron's cheeriness threw him off.

"Snape probably won't be in potions! Everyone's been saying he's missed his other classes!" Harry smiled at the news but disappointment gnawed at his stomach. He wasn't as hungry anymore and nibbled at a salad. _Damn, I hoped to see him today…But with Snape… preoccupied, this is a perfect opportunity for me to get into his supply cabinet and retrieve what I need._ Hermione appeared a few minutes later interrupting Harry's thoughts.

"Hi, Harry! Where have you been?" she asked softly.

"I just needed to get away from everyone. The rumors and all," he added when she looked as though she was going to ask more questions. Hermione nodded and launched into a story about her morning. Harry quickly tuned her out and started thinking about how to break in to Snape's private stock.

After lunch, Harry headed to Potions. He was shocked that none of his professors had lectured him about missing classes yesterday. _I guess it wasn't that important of a day anyway_, he thought to himself as he took his seat. Ron and Hermione followed suit a few minutes later. Harry ignored their attempts at getting him to join the conversation. Thankfully, class was about to begin. Dumbledore was standing at the front of the room, directions written on the board in his scrawl. "Today we will be brewing—"

"Polyjuice," Snape said harshly from the back of the room. The class turned to face him, surprise filled their stares. Harry turned as well and was stunned to see his potions master in such disarray. His hair, though greasy, stuck up in odd places, his clothes and cloak looked as though he slept in them, and he was paler than anyone thought possible. "Get. To. Work," he barked when no one moved. Everyone got up in a hurry and moved about the room, gathering ingredients and other supplies Harry snagged a few of the things he needed for the Death Potion while he was at the supply cabinet, but not all. He didn't want to linger under Snape's angry glare for a minute longer than needed. Snape turned his attention to the elderly wizard before him. "Thank you Headmaster," he said cordially to Dumbledore, "I can take it from here." Albus nodded and left.

Severus was relieved to see Potter in class. "Potter, detention for missing class yesterday," he growled. Harry groaned but went back to his potion. He completed it without issue and left a vial of it on Snape's desk for him to test later. Spinning on his heel, Harry practically sprinted from the potions room. He was equally eager to be out of the room to evade Snape and to start brewing the potion that would few him from this hell. _I only need three more things and I'll be ready to make it. Unfortunately it takes 24 hours to complete,_ he grumbled to himself. _No matter, what's one more day of suffering? No one needs me. The only thing I'm good for is killing Voldemort… and apparently I suck at that because he just keeps coming back. _He looked around and realized he had reached his destination—The Chamber of Secrets. _Sure, it's lonely, with only a giant Basilisk carcass for company, but so what? I won't be found. _Harry put the ingredients in the cauldron he brought down, mixing and heating them as needed. The last three things he needed were supposed to be added at the end anyway.

Harry attended the rest of his classes that day, no one said anything to him about missing class. Though he found it a bit odd, he wasn't going to try to get more detention and just let it go. He went to dinner just long enough to eat a few bites of food and make sure Snape was at the professors table. _Good, he is, now to slip out and—_"Harry!" Luna said.

"Oh, Luna, hi," he said, trying his best to remain calm.

"Here, have some pudding, it keeps the Nargles away!" She said and skipped away. Harry always thought she was sweet, though he'd never admit it. He had a little pudding and saw her smiling at him. He inclined his head slightly to show his thanks and stole another glance at the Professor's table to find Snape gone. _DAMN! _Harry stood and left the dining hall. He raced down to the potion room to find it empty. Harry smirked. _Good. Now where is his private supply? Ah!_ He found a door that he had never noticed before. Harry pushed it open and found himself in a room about the size of a broom closet. As he climbed the ladder, he found vials full of what he needed and put them in his pockets. He noted that there was already a brewed Death Potion on a shelf near him, but figured it would be too obvious if he took it. Harry returned to the potion room, carefully shutting the door behind him. He took his seat and Snape slipped in a few minutes later.


	9. Chapter 9: Another Detention

Chapter 9: Another Detention

"Potter!" Snape snapped.

"Sir?" Harry asked softly. Though he was angry with Snape for hurting him, he couldn't resist the allure of the man's voice. He wanted Severus to take him as he did during his last detention. That was the first time in Harry's life he'd felt wanted for _him_, not because he was The-Boy-Who-Lived. Harry was distracted from his thoughts when Snape continued his lecture.

"What did you find more important than attending my class?" He demanded angrily, trying to cloak his feelings for Potter with anger. The more he tried to ignore the raven-haired boy, the more he cared. Despite his attempts at irritation, his thoughts were whisked away. _He needs someone, clearly there are some home issues, but not me. Never me. Why did he want me in the first place? But he felt so brilliant, and was so complacent with my demands… I've never felt that way before with a Slytherin. But of course, they don't mean it or care. They're doing it for the grade, not the pleasure… And I do it for the pleasure and detached feelings… Potter shouldn't care about me. And even if he does, I shouldn't care about him! It's unprofessional. I could lost my job if I—_

"Um… Professor?" Harry asked when Snape hadn't spoken after his reply.

"What?" He barked as he realized he hadn't caught the boy's response at all.

"I-I-I thought you'd be mad that I ran off to sleep? Or at least something….?" Harry said, wishing he could take back his words and just let Snape go back to his thoughts.

"Mr. Potter, I'd prefer you not skip my class to 'sleep' as you called it. Whatever you really were doing doesn't concern me."_ Of course it doesn't concern you, you don't give a damn about me. But yet, I still want you to fuck me again and again… no amount of anger with you could change that. And maybe cuddle me, that'd be nice. I'd be safe, safe from myself, safe from them, safe from— _"Are you paying attention?!" Snape practically yelled, drawing Harry from his thoughts.

"Erm… sorry. Yeah, I was paying attention…. Kind of," he mumbled.

"Then what did I just say?" Snape asked snarkily.

"Ummm, something about what I do not concerning you?"

"Ah, brilliant Potter caught the second sentence of my lecture. Well done," he said in a mocking tone. Harry glared at him. "The reason I called you here was not to mock you, nor was it to punish you for missing class," Snape said seriously.

"Then why am I here?" He asked, suddenly terrified.

"The other night, your previous detention," he began slowly, choosing his words with care. Images of him atop Potter played through Snape's head as he spoke, but he ignored them. "You had a peculiar behaviour that continued throughout the night—"

"I-I-I was nervous. It was my first time. Er, sorry if I did something wrong," Harry said in a fearful rush. _Please not the flinching. Please not the flinching, _his mind chanted as he stared at his professor.

"You flinched—" He started again, just for Harry to cut him off once more.

"Damn!"

"Potter! Language. Five points from Gryffindor," Snape said softly.

"Sorry," he grumpily mumbled.

"Anyway, as I was saying… You flinched—quite a bit might I add. I felt obligated to inquire about it." He said softly. _I get this far too often with the Slytherins. Damn Potter, why couldn't you just be in my house?_

"There's nothing to say, I mean if you were the Boy-Who-Lived wouldn't you be a little jumpy too? There are tons of Death Eaters who would revel in killing me. Or at least bringing me to the Dark Lord, or some da- stupid thing," his anger built as he spoke. _Why should he care? I'm not in his house. I don't matter to him. Do I?_

"Potter, neither of us believe that. The truth. Now," he said without breaking eye-contact or blinking.

Harry found himself staring into the onyx eyes before him. Longing filled his being. He wanted to tell Snape everything, the abuse, the cutting, the potion—_the potion! I have to get back to it. _It snapped him back to reality "Well um, I just…"

"Yes?"

"Look, I don't want to talk about this. And besides, if I was going to talk about it with anyone, it wouldn't be you," he snapped. Snape appeared unfazed as he stood and crossed the room.

"Why are you defending them?!" He snapped back, inches from Potter's face.

"I-I'm not defending them!" He retorted, momentarily distracted by the close proximity of his potions master. Harry took a deep breath in an attempt to calm himself, but all he smelled was Snape. The smell of him was both comforting and extremely alluring.

"You admit there is someone to defend!" Snape declared triumphantly.

"Shit," Harry grumbled under his breath.

"What was that? I didn't quite catch it."

"Why would I even tell you? It's not like you're going to care anyway!" He shouted.

"Regardless of what my personal opinions and intentions are, you are still a student and are thereby under my protection. So to say," Snape said in a harsh whisper. The emerald eyes hardened, locked onto the onyx ones before him.

"See, you basically just admitted you don't care." _But Merlin, do I want you to care. No, not the time for this,_ Harry schooled himself as he pushed down the thoughts of the possibility of a loving, caring Snape.

"Potter! I've just expressed that this is my job!"

"So now I'm a job to you?!" He snapped. Harry didn't know where this wave of hostility came from and it was scaring him, yet he pressed on with it. "When am I ever going to be 'Just Harry' to anyone?!" He nearly screamed. His body was shaking from nerves and fear. Snape was at a loss for what to say, he never expected Potter to react like this. Fear flashed across the potion master's face as Harry's shaking intensified.

"Calm. Down. Now. Potter," Snape commanded. _The last thing I need is him fainting from some panic attack. If he doesn't relax I'll get him a Calming Draught. _

Harry took a deep breath before speaking, the shaking had lessened slightly. "Fine. I'll tell you." Snape backed up slightly, not realizing he had stepped closer while he was panicking, and nodded for Harry to continue. He took another deep breath and went on. "The Dursleys have beat me every day since I can remember. It's mostly Vernon. My um… uncle. He uses his fists and a belt… he has a chain too… I… I can't do this!" Harry said as he stood, turning to bolt for the door. Snape was faster and blocked his path. "Let… Me… GO!" Harry yelled, trying to find a way around Snape. The man had astonishingly phenomenal reflexes and prevented Harry from taking another step.

"Not until you calm down!" Snape countered. Harry fell into the chair behind him and gave a tired huff. "Are you quite finished?" He asked bitterly. Harry nodded in response. "We will continue this conversation at a later date. Go, or you'll be out past curfew." Harry picked up his bag and slung it over his shoulder. With a final glance at Snape, he shut the door with a click and made his way to the Chamber of Secrets to stir his potion.

He stared at the Basilisk carcass after tending to the potion, listening to it simmer. It was music to his ears, practically the ringing of freedom bells. _Tomorrow, _Harry thought as he made his way back to Gryffindor tower. _Tomorrow._


	10. Chapter 10: Completed Potion

Chapter 10: Completed Potion

The following day passed with no incidents. Harry avoided eye-contact with Snape the entire class period and was relieved that the man couldn't find a way to give him a detention. Due to his attempts to avoid Snape, Harry didn't notice that the man was paying him far more attention. And for the first time, Harry was actually paying close attention to his potion and the book from which he was getting directions. Not from the original instructions. Harry was using the words scribbled all over the pages. This was the book Hermione had given him, the same one he used to make the Death Potion. And the written in notes were significantly improving his potions. Harry's other professors paid him no different attention.

After his last class of the day, Harry stalked off to his bed in the Gryffindor dormitory. He closed the curtains and put up silencing spells. He just wanted the silence to think but a thought popped in his head. _What if Snape was here with me? In this bed. In MY Gryffindor bed, a Slytherin. His teeth nibbling on my collarbone, his cock in my arse—_He pulled himself from the thoughts trying to push them from his mind, but he had a new problem to which attend. His cock was pressing hard against his jeans, painfully. Harry stripped from the waist down and stroked himself. He closed his eyes and imagined Snape was there. _His long fingers wrapping around my erection, pulling it to his mouth, sucking me, me getting him off too. His moans. His silky voice begging me for more. Begging, pleading, 'Potter, Potter, Potter! YES! POTTER!" _Harry's hips bucked as he came into his hand. He sighed as the pleasure wore away—back to darkness. A quick "Scourgify" and the evidence was gone, but it remained in his mind. He had just jerked off—and not the first time—to the thought of Snape pleasuring him.

Which brought him to the bigger question: _Am I really gay?_ He'd just never thought about guys being an option. _Girls are pretty, lovely to look at, really. But am I attracted to them? Do I want to kiss them? Feel them as intimately as I did Snape? _He pondered this a while before realizing he had no idea. Harry growled to himself and tried to picture what he found attractive. Nothing but images of Snape popped into his head. "Shit," he muttered when he realized he may only be attracted to someone who despises him.

Harry dressed again and got out his bed. He removed the silencing charm and parted the curtains to head to dinner. On his way there, he saw Snape. The man regarded him with caution, his onyx eyes sweeping over Potter as though he was going to cease to exist. Only a moment's flash of emotion, but Harry caught it. He didn't understand why Snape cared at all. The man in black stalked away, cloak billowing behind him. Harry stared after him for only a moment before changing course and heading to the Chamber of Secrets to finish his potion. He consulted the book one last time and added the three remaining ingredients. Smirking he thought, _a death potion that can be brewed in a day… Polyjuice takes longer than that. Like you have time to think out being able to change bodies but not to think too deeply about death. Do I really want to die? _Harry posed the other most difficult question wearing on him. He repeated it aloud, "Do I really want to die?" He thought he knew the answer. But the concern in Snape only moments ago made that waver. _Maybe he does care and will be sad if I'm gone, _Harry thought wistfully before reason pulled him down again. _No one wants you, you pathetic little shit! _His mind chanted that at him until he tuned it out, knowing he couldn't stop it. He read over a section of information about the potion aloud, "Death Potion has a one week shelf life. If used within the timeframe, after drinking one standard vial full the following will occur: dizziness, drowsiness, decrease in breathing and heart rate. The death will be similar to falling asleep, relaxation is key." He thought about that for a moment 'relaxation is key.' _How could someone be calm knowing their death awaits them? _A moment later, Harry knew._ I have to be completely at peace with my decision or it won't function properly. _

After another hour of debating, Harry hid one vial in the cauldron he used, one in the mouth of the Basilisk, one in the bathroom above and popped one in his pocket in case his need became dire. Satisfied, he walked back to his room and plopped into his bed, closing the curtains. He didn't want to talk to anyone. But Ron, of course, stuck his head in. "Heya Harry!" He said cheerfully.

"Hey Ron," Harry replied softly. Guilt gnawed at him as he realized that if he drank the potion, he could be leaving Ron alone. _Of course, he has a family. And Hermione. He'd get over it._

"You alright? You look like you've seen a ghost. Or maybe me when I've seen a spider," he said with concern.

"Just tired," he replied convincingly.

"See you in the morning," Ron whispered, taking his head out from the curtains.

"In the morning," Harry repeated softly, well aware of how possible it could have been that he wouldn't be there to see Ron in the morning.

Severus was on his way to meet with the Headmaster when he caught sight of Potter hurrying to dinner. He studied the boy, looking for any signs of abuse. When he found none, he resumed his stalking. _He's either lying, which is highly doubtful, or the evidence is well hidden. Well hidden. _It clicked. _GLAMOURS. _He nearly shouted it as two Slytherin first years darted past him. He was too distracted to scold them for their idiotic behaviour. Severus muttered the password to the Headmaster's office, "Lemon Drop." He would have been annoyed with the ease of figuring it out, but the old man changed the password every day.

"Severus, my boy!" Albus said sweetly. "Tea, lemon drop, bit of cake?"

"No, Headmaster."

"Oh Severus, always such formalities. What's troubling you?" He inquired with serious concern.

"There are ingredients missing from my supply cabinet." Albus waited for Severus to continue. When he didn't, Dumbledore gestured for him to go on. "They are specific to harmful potions." A look of worry crossed the elder's face.

"Are you sure that a student just didn't take the wrong ingredients?" He inquired hopefully.

"There are nearly precise measurements gone, Albus. A student has a death wish," he said harshly. He wouldn't let fear creep into his voice or across his stony face. Dumbledore waved his wand, sending wards around the school to seek out any harmful potions outside of the potions room.

"There is nothing, Severus."

"Your wards might not find it," he replied slowly.

"Why not?!" Albus asked incredulously, breaking his usual clam. He truly was worried.

"Because… If the one who desired death so much is hiding it, it will be impossible to find. There will be cloaking spells inadvertently added to the potion," Severus said.

"That's ridiculous!" He exclaimed, making Snape step back.

"Dammit Albus, I don't make the rules!" He retorted. The old man was starting to irritate him, but that was nothing new. Severus wouldn't admit it, but worry was also putting him on edge.

"We need to find the student, Severus." Snape nodded, but said nothing. He dreaded it being one of his house. _Don't wish, Severus. They always try. _Dumbledore noted the dejected look Severus possessed. "Don't worry, my boy, we will find him or her in time," he said softly, trying to comfort the potions master. Severus stood and left without another word, worry was gnawing him to the core.

He didn't pour himself firewhiskey when he returned to his chambers. Severus went straight to his bed. He expected to fall fast asleep but memories of that night with Potter flitted though his mind. Before he knew it, he was stroking himself. Severus remembered that night of detention as he got himself off faster than before. "Scourgify." _Now that that's taken care of,_ he thought and tried to fall asleep. But thoughts of Potter still remained in the forefront of his mind. Unfortunately not in the way Snape wanted. The memories before him were all ones where the boy looked sad for one reason or another. He was too tired to care and pushed the thoughts down until he fell fast asleep.


	11. Chapter 11: Little Lies

Chapter 11: Little Lies

Harry woke with a start early in the morning. A glance at the time told him the dining hall would be open soon and his stomach rumbled. To remedy his aching stomach he decided to go have an early breakfast. On his way there, he ran into a very distraught looking potions master. "Potter, we have things to discuss. My office. Tonight."

Harry sighed heavily but replied, "yes, sir," without missing a beat. Severus looked at the raven-haired boy with a raised eyebrow. "What? Is there more?" He both hated and loved it when the man stared at him. But in this particular instance, Harry shrunk under Snape's scrutinizing gaze. Without a word, he spun around, a flurry of black robes, and stalked down a nearby corridor. Harry wanted to yell after him, ask him if he stared because he liked what he saw, or if he was disgusted. He found he didn't have the strength to yell anyway and went to breakfast, eating close to nothing.

After his classes, he went back to the dormitory to relax before his detention. He leaned back and let his mind wander. Unfortunately, it slunk into the dark recesses more quickly than Harry was expecting. He whipped out his knife and in mere minutes, he was covered in cuts and dripping blood. He listened as it plinked onto his sheets. The air around him had a metallic scent and seemed to be electric with need for more blood. Harry didn't deny it that desire. He continued to cut deeply into his forearms. When he ran out of room there, he ripped off his shirt and robes and sunk the blade into his collar bone. Eventually, he grew tired of his collarbone and moved to his ribcage. He followed the curvature of his ribs, it was almost artistic, in a sick way. He was beginning to feel dizzy from the blood loss when he remembered his detention. _Shit, I'm going to be late. _"Scourgify," he muttered before he bandaged himself hastily and slung his bag over his shoulder. He sprinted down to the dungeons and made it with a couple minutes to spare. Harry took a moment to catch his breath before he knocked on the door. "Enter," came the silken reply. He pushed open the door and shut it behind him. He was still breathing heavily and a strong wave of dizziness came over him. His step faltered and he staggered into a table. "Potter!" Snape yelled.

"Yes?" Harry asked weakly.

"Are you drunk?" He asked seriously. Harry started to ponder if he should lie to cover up what he really did, but black spots started obscuring his vision. "Potter?!" Snape asked in a halfhearted yell. He was genuinely worried about Potter as he staggered into another table. Harry had a moment of clarity, the dizziness faded, the black spots cleared, and he was able to stay balanced.

"Help." The word barely passed his lips before he was falling forward. Severus reacted quickly and ran forward catching Potter before he hit the floor. _Idiot boy, he must be overheated from running to the bloody detention. _But when Severus put a hand to the boy's head, it was cold. His hands and feet too. Severus looked up just in time to see various cuts and scars appear on Potter, only to vanish a moment later. If he would have blinked, he would have missed it. _Those are too recent to have been inflicted over the summer. Potter… why? _Shock crossed Snape's face, despite his attempts to keep it expressionless.

An hour passed and Harry was still asleep on a lab bench. About ten minutes after he'd fainted, Snape put him there. It took the whole ten minutes so convince himself that he wasn't doing it for Potter, he was just doing it because it would look bad for him to leave an unconscious body on the floor of the dungeons. The more time that ticked by, the more Snape had convinced himself that he just imagined the marks he saw on the boy's skin. As the clock struck eleven, he began toying with the idea of levitating Harry to his chambers to deposit him on the couch. But just before he took out his wand to cast the spell, Potter's eyes fluttered open. He looked up to find himself staring at a very tired looking Severus Snape. "Potter," he growled.

"Professor?" He asked in a shaky, weak voice. It frustrated him that he was unable to sound angry or menacing.

"Have you an explanation for why I had to prevent you from crashing to the floor of my classroom?"

"Overheated," Harry lied, using the first plausible thing that came to mind.

"Don't. Lie. To. Me. Potter."

"I'm not!" _Lie._

"Potter!" Snape hissed harshly.

"Okay, fine, I haven't eaten much lately!" _True enough,_ Harry thought. Snape intensely studied him a moment longer before sighing. He handed Harry an apple from a tray beside him. Harry took it but hesitated before he bit into it.

"I'm not going to poison you," he snapped. Harry looked guiltily at the floor before he took another bite. "Why don't you eat?" He inquired after five minutes of uncomfortable silence and Harry munching his apple. The boy hung his head and didn't reply. Instead he started inspecting the apple core in his hand very closely. "Potter?" Snape asked, sincere concern in his voice.

"They don't let me eat," Harry admitted before he could stop the words.

"They?"

"My damn relatives!" He snapped before realizing what he'd said. _Shit. I said too much,_ he thought as he looked up to see Snape's face. It held no emotion, but if Harry had looked up before that moment, he would have seen the flash of pain, anger, and sadness on his professor's face. "Forget it. Thanks for the apple," he mumbled as he tried to get up. A strong hand intercepted his chest on his way off the bench.

"Please, what do they do to you?" Snape asked, a hint of desperation in his voice. He needed concrete evidence to take to Dumbledore.

"Nothing. I'm fine," Harry said, pushing off Snape's hand. It killed him to remove the physical contact, but he couldn't handle the touch while lying.

"Potter…" Snape said softly.

"Really I'm fine," Harry said with a bit more venom in his voice than he'd intended. He was still dizzy from blood loss and when he stood, it intensified. He staggered a little but tried walking slowly. Snape watched him cautiously. "See? Fine," he said as he bent over to pick up his bag. Parchment fluttered to the ground as he slung it over his shoulder. Snape picked it up, not really looking, but something caught his eye. It was an intricate drawing of what looked like him tilting Harry's face up to his in a loving manner. The quill strokes got his hair perfect, down to the last bit of grease. His arms were covered in his black cloak but betrayed a bit of muscle that he didn't really possess. Harry didn't have a shirt on beneath his parted robes and Snape could see the young man's abs peeking out from beneath the black fabric. Before he could fully soak in the beauty, Harry ripped the artwork from him.

"Did you draw that?" He asked, still slightly dazed from admiring the art.

"Yeah, so?" He snapped, embarrassed that he saw it.

"You have real potential as an artist," Snape remarked as Harry tucked the artwork back in his bag.

"Thanks," Harry said plainly, as though Snape didn't just give him the best compliment he'd ever received.

"I'd like to see you here again tomorrow. Perhaps this time you won't faint."

"No promises," he joked as he walked to the door. "And, Professor?"

"Hm?"

"I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention this to anyone." Harry didn't look back to see if Snape agreed or didn't. He took off and went to his dormitory. Everyone was sound asleep when he arrived and he tried his best to be as silent as possible. He pulled the curtains to his bed and cast a silencing spell so he could cry. He sobbed because Snape was nice to him—nice for Snape- out of nowhere. _I don't deserve his kindness._ That was his final thought before sleep took him.

Severus stared after Harry as he left, thinking of his last request. The boy hadn't bothered to look back after making it. He sighed and stood, deciding to return to his chambers. When he arrived, he muttered the password and went straight for his firewhiskey. As he poured as glass, he chastised himself for being kind to Potter. _I don't owe him anything. Why should I worry about his home life? Or whether or not he eats? Why am I worried about him? _He took a sip while he pondered. A glance at the time told him it was 2 am. Shaking his head, he downed his glass and retired for the night.


	12. Chapter 12: Notes

**A/N: Sorry for the mix-up! All fixed!**

Chapter 12: Notes

Harry woke the following morning dreading his meeting with Snape. He didn't want to speak about his family or what happened to him over the summer. Before he could think any further, Ron poked his head through the curtains around Harry's bed. "Morning, want to come get some breakfast?"

"Sure," he replied, happy for a distraction.

They went to breakfast together, Ron was going on about something related to Quiddich, but Harry wasn't paying attention. His thoughts kept slipping back to Snape and all the possible things he could ask. He looked at the professors table just in time to see Snape looking at him. "Shit," he mumbled.

"You say something, Harry?" Ron asked, mouth full of toast. Harry shook his head and Ron went back to his rambling about brooms. He looked back at the professors once more. Snape stared back. Again.

"I'd better be off, I didn't finish that potions essay." Ron looked up in surprise but shrugged and continued telling Seamus his story about Fred falling off his broom.

Harry sprinted to his first class, Transfiguration. He sighed as he fell into his seat. "Something the matter Mr. Potter?" McGonagall inquired. He hadn't noticed her when he came in. She was standing at the front of the room, still as a statue.

"No, Professor," Harry replied, sitting a bit straighter. She could see exhaustion and pain in his eyes, though he was doing a good job of keeping a straight face.

"Should you ever need anything, you know where my office is," she said gently before sitting down at her desk to finish a bit of grading before the others came in. Harry pulled out a quill and parchment. He started writing goodbye notes. _I'm drinking it today,_ he thought as he dipped his quill.

_Ron and Hermione,_

_I want you to know that none of this is your fault. I promise. I know I could have talked to you, but I didn't know where to begin. I'll be honest, my home life isn't the best. I come back to school practically emaciated because they don't feed me. I know I could have told you, but it was happening before I came to Hogwarts – and it's not exactly something you bring up during introductions. Hogwarts is my home but I couldn't take it here anymore. Voldemort weighs on me too much. I still have the nightmares. I doubt I'd be able to defeat him even if I was alive. I miss Sirius and I'm sick of people dying for me. I'm sorry. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I love you guys. And for the love of Merlin, start dating already. _

_Ron,_

_Take my broom. I won't be needing it anymore. I saw how you stared at it and honestly, I've always felt a bit guilty about having it. It served me well. I'll miss you, mate._

_Hermione,_

_Please don't cry. Know I'm far happier where I am now than I ever was. Take my books. You need (and will use) them more than I do (did). I'll miss you – wherever I'm going._

_Dumbledore,_

_I always looked up to you. But I started questioning it recently. Why did you leave me with those muggles when you knew what sort of people they were? How did you not notice my glamours? The emaciation? I know you can't be expected to see everything that goes on, but how did this escape your attention?  
I'm sorry I'm damning the wizarding world by taking my life. Maybe if things had been different I would still be alive. Thanks for everything, really, I know you tried your best._

_McGonagall,_

_I'm writing this as I watch you grade papers. I'm sorry that I won't be coming to you for help after you so graciously offered. This is not your fault, you're a phenomenal Head of House. I assure you this has nothing to do with you and if it blackens your teaching records, I'm so sorry. Thank you for taking the best care of me you could. I'm sorry to let you down._

_Everyone, _

_I'm sorry I've failed the entire wizarding community. I'm sorry I wasn't able to vanquish Voldemort before sheer agony and pain took me. Maybe someone else can be the hero now._

_-Harry Potter, The Boy Who Finally Has Peace._

Harry wrote Snape's individually. He didn't need anyone but his potions master to find it.

_Snape,_

_I'm sorry I never got the chance to tell you how I truly felt about you. Honestly… That night in the dungeons, you made my fantasies a reality. I'm sorry it meant nothing to you. It was everything to me. You were brilliant and I wish I had the chance to get to know you better. If you are getting this, don't think my death was your fault. You actually prolonged my life. That night I fainted in detention, I had been doing things earlier that ultimately could have killed me. _

_Since the secrets no longer matter:_

_The Dursleys beat me, many times a day. They use whatever is most convenient and hit/cut me until I lost consciousness. Or worse. As bad as that sounds, I prefer it to the verbal abuse. They don't feed me much… This is getting disjointed and wordy. Sorry. I'm not at leisure to write eloquently. _

_In short, my life here was hell; except for you. _

_Harry Potter_

_P.S. Yes, I'm gay. I'm not quite sure when I realized or accepted it. Or maybe I'm just gay for you, because, honestly, when I think of to what I'm attracted, you're the only thing that comes to mind. In case you were wondering. Or care. Anyway, there are sketches of you that I don't want anyone to find but I can't bear to burn them. I'm sorry to ask you to do this, but could you sneak to my dormitory and take them? They're in my trunk at the very bottom. Thanks. If you think it's creepy as hell, it is. But you gave what you wanted and took it away. If I didn't have so much free time—there may have been fewer. _

Harry folded both notes and put them in his pocket just as class started. Guilt threatened to crush his heart as he looked around the room one last time. No one else seemed to notice the change in his behaviour.

As the day crawled on, Harry started to feel bad that he hadn't written everyone notes. But how could he? He didn't know what to say to anyone else. _Hell, I barely knew what to say in the ones I wrote,_ he thought as he left his last class. Harry walked to his dormitory, he needed to leave the note for everyone somewhere that someone would find it. He paced about the common room, note hidden in his fist. His eyes fell on one of the chairs and he walked over and sat in it. He pushed the note between the cushion and arm of the chair then got up and left.

Harry briskly walked to the potions lab. It was dinner time so Snape would be out. He left the note on his professor's desk and turned to leave. He tried to take in the room, the vials, cauldrons, supplies, everything down to the cold stone floor. _It will never be enough, _he thought. _I'll never be truly satisfied. _Harry left the room slowly, his eyes misty as he walked to an unused wing of the castle.

He pushed open a heavy door to an unused classroom and sighed. "Lumos" His wand lit the room with a comforting, dim, soft light. The door closed behind him as he watched dust particles float through the air. The vial pressed against him in his pocket, as though calling him to drink it. Harry uncorked it and lifted the glass to the light. _My death, beautifully contained in a small vial._ He tipped his head back, the Death Potion touched his tongue and flowed down his throat eagerly. It tasted of mint and sugar. The world around Harry started spinning, it was all he could do to stay on his feet. Memories flooded through him, his mother's scream as she died was the soundtrack to all of them. He was back at the Quiddich game where Snape saved him, his first train ride to Hogwarts, the detention where he lost his virginity, Ron and Hermione laughing about something he said, and so many more. The good mixed with the bad. _I don't want to die,_ the thought came too late. Harry was falling to the ground. Cold, hard stone beneath him. Someone was screaming. _Is it me? _


	13. Chapter 13: In the Act

Chapter 13: In the Act

When Severus returned to his lab after dinner to wait for Potter, he found a note on his desk. After performing several charms to check for spells, he found it was just regular parchment. He read the note four times before he was sure it wasn't a joke. _Potter is going to commit suicide. Soon._ Panic coursed through him. He sprinted across the room and threw open the door just in time to see a very shaken Minerva. "What is it?"

"Potter," she replied, breathlessly, holding up another note. He nodded as wards alerted him to a suicide attempt.

"Shit," he breathed.

"What is it, Severus?" She inquired nervously.

"It would appear Potter is in the act," he snapped. She nodded and hurried off in one direction, he went the other. He shook his head as he realized she was going the complete wrong way, but didn't try to stop her. An order rang through the school that all students were to report to their dormitories for the remainder of the night. _Good,_ Snape thought.

His wards told him a general area, but nothing exact. _Shit, shit, shit. _He sprinted up a flight of stars when he thought he heard screaming. Severus paused for a second and listened, it started again after a brief pause. There was an animalistic quality to the scream that made Snape's hairs stand on end. He took off running toward the sound. Panic tried to force its way forward, but he pushed it back. _This isn't the time to lose my head_. Another shriek made his feet move faster. He came to a door in the middle of an unused wing. Severus kicked down the door, forgetting about magic entirely, and ran in. Nothing could have prepared him for the moonlight sight he saw.

Harry lay on the floor, convulsing, foaming at the mouth, blood pooled around, and shards of glass were scattered about the ground. "Scourgify," he said waving his wand and quickly dropping to his knees beside the boy. The scent of Death Potion and blood permeated the air. _I need to get the potion out of his system, but how? _His mind went blank as panic seized control. Snape cursed himself for not being able to stay calm. He grabbed for his wand, finally remembering a spell that could hold off the effects until he could get the remedy, but he found it wasn't there. _DAMMIT. _Only seconds had passed, but Harry was shaking more and fear filled his eyes. Snape didn't know if he was conscious or not. An idea hit him and he pulled Harry closer to him. "This will be unpleasant for both of us," he muttered. Severus turned Harry on his side, so he was kneeling against his back, and held the boy's mouth open. He used his other hand to force his finger down Harry's throat. Snape retraced his hand and moments later Harry puked. He gagged and looked away, trying to ignore the foul stench. When Severus looked over again, Harry had stopped convulsing and was the only thing between Snape and a puddle of vomit. There was just enough light for him to make out his wand laying by Potter's feet. He picked it up and cast Scourgify, grateful for the use of magic.

Severus put his hands under Harry's arms and tried to get him to sit up—when he let go, he just fell back to the floor. "Dammit, Potter," he grumbled. His panic was returning. If he couldn't get Harry to the hospital wing in time—he would die. Sweat drenched his black hair and dripped into his eyes as he tried to think of something. Harry's eyes flickered open.

"Professor… Help," he whispered before his eyes closed and his face fell slack. That was enough to bring Severus back to his senses. He levitated Harry's body beside him and started walking to the hospital wing. The spell required a lot of magic and it was draining Snape's energy. He took the stairs slowly knowing he should send a patronus out for assistance, but was too weak to focus on something else. Harry started shaking again in the air and Severus was forced to lower him back to the ground. _I could be too late. _His body shook with exhaustion as he rolled Harry on his side and forced him to vomit once more. Too tired to perform magic, he lifted Harry as one would a new bride. The boy puked again on him. He gagged but kept trudging to the hospital wing.

When he finally arrived, he set Potter in a bed and collapsed into a chair next to it. "Poppy," he called, but his voice was barely a whisper. She came in and was shocked at what she saw.

"Severus, what's—"

"The boy! Help him. He took a death potion. Do you have the remedy?" Snape interjected.

"Yes," she replied, hurrying off to grab it from her stores. Poppy returned and poured the potion down the boy's throat.

"Will he make it?"

"It's too soon to tell, Severus. Why don't you go get yourself cleaned up? You smell horrid." He fainted as she spoke. "Brilliant," she said under her breath and walked over to him. "Scourgify. That takes care of that." She levitated him into a bed and covered him up, shaking her head. "Why didn't you just call one of us, Severus?" She asked the unconscious potions master.

**A/N: Thanks for all the reviews, I love them. Sometimes when I'm having a rough day, I go back and read nice ones. And on occasion, I get sweet reviews after something back happens and they bring tears to my eyes because they're the nicest things I've heard in a while. This is all to say thank you. **


	14. Chapter 14: Infirmary

Chapter 14: Infirmary

Snape's eyes snapped open and he was immediately in a panic. "Where am I?" he asked no one with a scratchy voice. He was staring at a vaulted ceiling that was made purple by the curtain-muted sunrise.

"The hospital wing, my boy" Dumbledore answered. Severus sat up and scanned the room. Potter was in the bed next to him.

"How is he?" Severus was far too worried to mask his fear.

"He made it through the night but he's not doing well," Albus said in a grave tone. "Severus, what happened last night?"

The potions master had woken up enough to school his emotions and his face once more. He spoke in a monotone, betraying no hint of emotion to Dumbledore. "Potter attempted to commit suicide by drinking a Death Potion he brewed himself using stolen supplies. I found him in an abandoned room in the East wing convulsing on the floor." When it appeared as though Snape was going to stop speaking, Albus nodded for him to continue. "I brought him here in the hope that Poppy would have a remedy. She did and here we are," he paused for a brief moment before adding, "The staircase on the third floor could use a bit of cleaning."

"Why did you not send someone a patronus?"

"I was magically exhausted. I'd already cast a spell intended to counteract the potion. It was incredibly draining," he snapped. Severus hated being questioned, especially when he knew he could have done things better. _Why was I so irrational? I should have sent a patronus in the first place. But I didn't want anyone to see him in that bad of shape. _His feelings for Harry had grown tremendously after reading his note and seeing him in such a bad state on the floor. He ached to hug the child, but resisted the desire with Albus there.

"No one blames you, Severus," Albus told him, interrupting his thoughts.

"He's still alive, is he not?" He asked snarkily, trying to conceal the guilt and fear.

"He is," the headmaster replied, standing. "But for how much longer, we know not." He took his leave, not waiting for Snape's reply.

As soon as the door closed, Severus raced to Harry's side. "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you. I'm sorry. I should have sent a patronus. I shouldn't have let my panic get in the way. Please don't die, Harry." His body shook with silent sobs over the boy. "I won't let you go back to those wretched people, I promise. I don't want anything to happen to you. Why did you want to die, Harry? Why?" He went on like this for hours on end, only pausing when Poppy came by to check on Harry. Around eleven pm. Snape dragged a chair beside the bed and sat. He stared at the emaciated frame beneath the sheets. Guilt settled itself in his chest as he stared at the boy before him. His hand dangled off the bed slightly and Severus moved to set it back on. When he touched it, it felt like electric was shooting through him. He let go and the feeling stopped. Snape reached out again and took the hand, it yielded the same reaction. The feeling caused him no pain, so he held Harry's hand. Eventually he drifted to sleep.

Hours later, the hand in his twitched. It was enough to wake him from his slumber and put him on high alert. He looked at the boy in the bed beside him and saw his eyelids flutter. They opened to reveal dull emerald eyes. "Harry," he whispered with a tremendous amount of love and affections.

"Professor," he whispered, his throat hurt. Harry heard something in his potion master's voice that he'd never heard before. He couldn't place it. There was a hand laced in his and judging by the scene, Harry deduced it had to be Snape's.

"I'm so sorry," Severus whispered, leaning closer and brushing a few stray hairs from the young man's eyes. "I should have been faster. I should have done something better… " he trailed off, tears threatening to escape.

"It's not your fault," Harry said before he started coughing. Blood coated his hand when he took if from his mouth. He tried to close his fingers so Snape wouldn't see but it was too late. "Shit," he whispered, smearing the blood on the sheets. He could feel some of it drying on his palm. Severus seemed to shrivel where he was standing.

"I'm sorry," he repeated. _I was too late. I let my feelings get in the way again. _His hand was still locked around Harry's, the electric current was still present, but lessened. When he let go, he felt instantly drained. The young man looked up at him for a moment before his eyes closed and he drifted back to sleep. He took his hand once more and paid closer attention to the feeling. It wasn't the strong wave it had been the first time. Now it was little more than a trickle. He let go again and realized he was lending Harry his magic so he could heal himself. _Has this ever been done? _He didn't care. The only thing that mattered was healing Harry. Severus again joined their hands, and magic.

Several hours passed before Madame Pomfrey came in. "Good morning Severus," she said softly. He was thankful when he realized he had let go of Potter's hand in the night.

"Morning," he said slowly. "How is he?"

"He's not out of the woods yet." Sadness dripped from her words. Snape cursed himself silently; he felt this was entirely his fault. _If I had just paid him more attention… _"Don't you have a class to teach?" She asked harshly. He spun on his heel and left the infirmary.

Severus was more agitated than usual. Ron and Hermione paid it little attention. They were more concerned about Harry's disappearance. "Where do you think he could be? This isn't like him," Hermione said over lunch.

"I don't know," Ron replied, hardly touching his food. Nearly half the table had ceased conversation to listen to theirs. Ron not eating was cause for concern. "We've got Quiddich practice tonight, maybe he'll show up there," he said shrugging. He didn't want to worry her further.

"Maybe," she said softly, deep in thought.

The rest of the day dragged by. Quiddich practice was just beginning when Snape slipped back into the infirmary. Harry appeared to be in the same position, but he was shaking slightly. Severus was incredibly proficient in medicine, but he didn't want to injure Harry further by making an error. "Poppy," he called softly. She was there in seconds, bustling around Harry. Snape stayed out of the way. When she left, he went over to the sleeping boy. The shaking stopped and he almost looked peaceful. "Please hang on, Harry."


	15. Chapter 15: Not Sleeping

Chapter 15: Not Sleeping

Severus sat with Harry that night, rubbing circles on his hand with his thumb. He allowed his magic to flow into the boy in a steady trickle. _I hadn't any clue this was possible, but if it's helping him I'll keep doing it, _he thought as he stared at the raven-haired one in bed. "I'm sorry, Harry," he apologized for what was probably the millionth time. Guilt gnawed at Snape's core, _this is my fault, _he kept telling himself. _I should have kept my supplies under better locks. I should have paid closer attention to what was gone… As far as why Potter did it, he was most likely sick of home… and here. I messed up again! I should have bloody well told him how I felt about him from the start. That it was just a casual fuck. _He smirked to himself for a moment as he remembered that night. A frown quickly twisted his features. _It wasn't just a casual fuck though. I liked it. I like him. _Tears threated to spill from the corners of his eyes before he properly reigned them in. _I can't let him die._ He kept holding Harry's hand until he fell asleep in the wee hours of the night.

A scream woke him. He shot out of his chair, wand drawn, and looked around for an immediate threat, seeing none, he turned his attention to Harry. It was his scream that woke him. "Harry? Harry can you hear me?" More screaming. "Please Harry, it's me, Snape." _How the hell is that comforting?! _He asked himself. Severus clasped a hand around Harry's and brought the other one up to stroke the boy's face. The screaming stopped and he looked almost peaceful. Snape breathed a sigh of relief and sagged into the chair behind him. His hand never left Harry's as he drifted back to sleep.

He was woken again by the rise of the sun. When Severus looked over at Harry to be sure he was okay, he found himself staring into two emerald eyes. "Harry," he whispered. He replied with a small smile. "How long have you been up?" Shrug. "Can you speak?" Small head shake. "Why?" Harry glared at him for a few seconds before he realized he wouldn't be able to respond. "Oh. That was idiotic of me." Harry smiled a little.

"Hurts," Harry said softly.

"Shh, don't speak then," he whispered. "I'm sorry I didn't do something faster—" Harry cut him off by putting a finger to the older man's lips and caressing his cheek. He didn't need to speak to tell Snape how he felt, it was all clearly presented on his face. Both the look and gesture were filled with love. "This is hardly the time nor place for that," Severus whispered and winked. Harry beamed up at him. He looked around to see if there was anyone in the hospital wing. _Nobody in sight. _Snape leaned down and hugged Harry gently. He snuggled into the potion master's robes until he felt him move away. A small frown crossed his face but then he realized that someone was coming. Severus straightened and stood, smiling awkwardly at Harry before he stalked to the door. He ducked behind a corner just as it opened.

"… Albus? Why!" Minerva whispered harshly.

"I don't know, my dear," he said sadly. "Harry may just be going through a rough time. He needs reassurance that there is light at the end of the tunnel." Severus resisted the urge to run out of his hiding place and set the old man straight. _There's no damn light at the end of the tunnel,_ he thought bitterly. _And why the hell are they still talking? Potter's awake! _

"We can't simply allow him to continue on as before. He needs help, not reassurance, or your damn tangents!" _Brilliant! Have I ever told you I love you, Minerva? _Snape thought, suppressing a smile.

"This isn't like you," Dumbledore said quietly.

"Severus isn't here to say it," she said sharply.

"Ah, my dear, I expect it from him—"

"And he isn't here. Therefore someone has to be a sense of reason!" Dumbledore looked a bit put off.

_I could get used to your company,_ Severus thought.

"I know you're worried about Harry, but he's going to be alright." She shook her head, not trusting herself to speak. "What's wrong, Minerva?"

"I'll tell you what's wrong," Snape began striding toward them. Both jumped, not expecting to see the familiar flurry of black robes. "You," he hissed pointing a skeletal finger at the elder wizard, "don't understand that Potter requires attention and love! You've bloody well been ignoring him this year, have you not? He just lost his mutt of a godfather, which was the closest family he had!

Albus was smiling, and had that twinkle in his eye. "Severus, I never knew you cared."

"I don't. It's obvious the boy is suffering. He just tried to commit suicide for Merlin's sake!" He snapped.

"Yes there is the matter of that… Minerva?" He asked, pulling her attention from Snape to him. "Do you think you could counsel him?" Fear and hesitation flashed across her face.

"Perhaps I could offer my services?" Severus inquired. Both turned to face him, Minerva with barely veiled shock and Albus with a smile. Snape glared back, but still appeared as though awaiting an answer.

At last, Dumbledore spoke. "Usually counseling is handled by the Head of House," Minerva paled slightly. "However, I will make an exception as it is well known, Severus is far more practiced in cases similar to Harry's." He smiled at both of them before he turned and walked to the door. "Severus?"

"What?"

"Please stop by my office later, there are some things we need to discuss."

The thought of leaving Harry filled him with dread, but he reluctantly agreed. The door closed, leaving Minerva and Severus with Harry. "You were brilliant back there," he whispered to her. A smile broke across her face. He gave her a small smile of his own before stalking out of the hospital wing.

"Oh Potter, what are we to do with you?" She asked The-Boy-Pretending-To-Sleep.


	16. Chapter 16: Do You Care

Chapter 16: Do You Care

Harry had managed to keep up his glamours though his stay in the infirmary, but Severus hadn't forgotten what he saw that night the boy fainted in detention. He pondered how to bring it up with Potter as he walked to the headmaster's office.

"Severus," Albus said kindly in greeting. "Thank you for meeting me on such short notice."

"Of course," he said snarkily.

"I was considering what you said earlier, about Harry needing some kind of counseling. You were so quick to volunteer, why?"

"Minerva appeared… unfit for the task."

"Alright, Severus. You are to share these sessions with me—"

"No."

"I'm sorry, what did you say?"

"No, Potter needs to trust me if I'm to learn anything about his… motives."

"Ah, yes. Are you sure your attachment to the boy will not hinder progress?"

"I have no attachment to that Gryffindor," he spat.

"My apologies," Albus replied with a small smile and a twinkle in his eyes.

"Is that all?"

"You are free to go." Severus turned on his heel and disappeared before Dumbledore could change his mind. He returned to the hospital wing, scanning it for anyone out of the ordinary before he entered. Finding it empty, with the exception of Madame Pomfrey, he slipped in and made his way to Harry's bed.

"You were gone so long," Harry whispered with a scratchy voice.

"Shh, don't speak," Snape said with great care. "I'm sorry. The headmaster wanted a word with me." Harry nodded and they sat in comfortable silence for a few hours.

"What—"

"Don't speak, Potter! You could ruin your voice." He handed him a vial with the command to drink it. Harry did so and Snape handed him a quill and parchment.

_What are we?_

"What do you mean?"

Harry sighed as he scribbled the next line. _You know I care about you. And I guess you kind of care about me… but what are we?_

Severus took the quill from Harry and scrawled a response, feeling it a bit unsafe to voice such things aloud. _You are a student and I am a teacher. _Harry read the reply and his shoulders sagged.

_But what about the apologies and the kind words you said when I was dying?_

_What would you tell a dying man?_

_The truth._

Severus stared at those two words, not making eye-contact with Harry. He feared the love he felt for the boy. He regretted telling Harry how he felt. Not knowing what else to write, he leaned back into the chair and stared at the floor. Thoughts flitted through his mind. _Why was I so open with him before? Because I knew he was dying? Because I love him—no, not again. _He loathed to admit it, but Severus was afraid of love. He couldn't stand to see students walking about the corridors happily holding hands. He despised the entire concept of a relationship after Lilly. _But Harry's different! No he isn't! Get a bloody grip!_ The battle within him raged on and he was nearly oblivious to Harry staring at him, a tear trailed down his cheek when he realized Snape wasn't going to reply. Eventually, sleep claimed both of them.

Harry woke first and tested his voice, it sounded nearly normal. _The potion Snape gave me worked!_ He thought happily. His joy crumbled when he remembered the parchment from the night before. He felt as though an icy dagger had pierced his heart and suddenly longed for death again. Harry remembered why he took the potion, he desired death once more. He struggled to get himself to a sitting position. Dizziness took over his head for a few minutes before it subsided. Once he felt decent enough to attempt standing, he did. _I only need to get to my cloak, there's a knife in the pocket. It wouldn't take much to finish me off. _He took a few hesitant steps before he faltered and fell to the floor. A small whimper escaped his lips before he could stop it. Harry ignored the pain of falling and crawled to his cloak. He needed the blade beneath his skin. Once he reached the cloak, he took the knife by the handle and drew it from the pocket. It was heavy in his weak grasp and he dropped it. The blade hit the ground with a resounding metallic clang.

Severus bolted upright and was immediately dizzy from the sudden position change. When he came to his senses, he saw Harry before him. The boy was raising a knife with a shaky hand. He realized its target and cast a spell, sending the knife clattering away. "What the hell?" They snapped simultaneously before glaring at each other.

"Why," Harry said, his voice heavy with sadness and tears prickled at his eyes. "Why," he started again after clearing his throat, "are you doing this to me? I don't want to live in a world where you don't care about me. I don't want to be alive if you're just going to ignore me. I'm not asking for a bloody confession of love! I'm asking for someone to at least care! But you can't even give me that! Can you? No. You, for whatever reason, hate love and don't know how to have a damn relationship! You can't do this to people Snape!" Harry spat. Anger and adrenaline filled his words.

Severus remained silent, taking in what Harry was saying.

"Now you can't even speak! What do you have to lose if I die? A headache? Shouldn't you be happy I'm trying to die?!"

That got his attention. "No, Potter. I. Will. Not. Be. Happy. If. You. Die," he hissed.

"And I don't want to live in a world where you don't care."

"You've made that clear," Snape said slowly. When Harry remained silent, Severus continued, "I do care." It was a whisper, but he said it. Harry's eyes widened.

"You…care?"

"Ob…..viously. I didn't have to save you. I didn't have to make you sick so the potion didn't kill you. I didn't have to tell you how sorry I was for mucking it up because I was torn about how to help you. But I did—" he cut himself off and picked Harry up off the floor. Severus carried him to the bed and laid him down gently. "I will always care. But I will be honest with you—I'm horrible at showing it." He stalked away from the bed to deter Potter from engaging in more conversation that would lead to him divulging more than he wished.


	17. Chapter 17: What Can I Do?

Chapter 17: What Can I Do?

Harry woke in the morning to Snape staring at him intently. "Morning, professor," he said, his voice groggy from sleep.

"Potter," Severus acknowledged.

They regarded each other awkwardly for a few minutes before Harry spoke again. "When can I leave?" He whispered as a cool draft licked his exposed torso. Harry shivered.

"I could inquire if you'd like," he said as he stood. Harry nodded shyly and pulled his covers up to his face. He watched as Snape stalked away, feeling the loss of his presence. His mind wandered to the conversation from the night. _I get that love is hard for him, but it's not like I'm any good at it either. Every one I've ever loved has died. And that wasn't romantic anyway. I've never had a family, or anyone who cared. Well, there's Ron and Hermione—shit! They have to be worried. I'm shocked they haven't managed to get in here. _

As if on cue, the doors of the hospital wing opened. Harry couldn't see who entered because the curtains around his bed were drawn—a boring white, but at least it concealed him from the visitor. "What's going on in here?" A particularly pissed off Madame Pomfrey demanded.

"We were looking for Harry—" Hermione began but Ron cut her off.

"Is he here?"

"I'm sorry, I cannot disclose Mr. Potter's whereabouts."

"So he is here!" Ron announced.

"Mr. Weasley!" She scolded as he bounded over to what appeared to be the only bed with a drawn curtain. Harry tensed, preparing for his ginger friend to burst in. Nothing happened.

"Perhaps, Granger and Weasley should return to their classes and not shove their noses where they don't belong," a silk voice drawled.

"Right, professor," Hermione said hurriedly. "Come on, Ronald!" Harry could practically hear Ron scowling at Snape and Hermione. Their footsteps echoed as they left, followed by the slam of the massive door. The curtains were brushed aside as his potions master entered, followed by the medi-witch.

"When can I leave?" Harry asked quietly, looking at Snape. His attention was re-directed when Madame Pomfrey answered.

"You may leave Friday."

"Um… What day is it?"

"Wednesday."

"Oh."

"Something the matter, Potter?" Snape chimed in.

"N-no…" he replied hesitantly.

"Out with it. I have no patience for your games," he drawled. Harry tried to conceal his sadness at Snape reverting to his old behaviours. He wanted so badly for the man to take him in his arms and tell him everything will be okay.

"I just don't want to get too behind on my school work…" he said, a bit defensively.

"Don't worry about that. No one will let Dumbledore's Golden-Boy fail," Snape spat snarkily. Madame Pomfrey shot him a glare. He ignored it, but guilt blossomed in his stomach. Severus hated to hurt Harry, but he couldn't possibly allow others to figure out his attraction to the student. He knew it was wrong that he had fallen for the boy, but he couldn't show his love and desire. Snape hated how weak Harry appeared in the bed and wished for some way to help. Instead, he continued to make it appear as though he had no feelings for the beautiful raven-haired boy staring up at him.

Harry's sad eyes turned hard as Snape lingered. He didn't speak as Madame Pomfrey checked his vitals and forced him to drink more potions. She left the two wizards in what appeared to be in a staring contest. Finally Harry had enough. "If you're going to be your old self why don't you just go? You're not helping anyone," he said more harshly than he intended. Pain flickered across Snape's face and Harry instantly regretted speaking, though he didn't take back the words. Severus turned on his heel and fled form the Hospital wing. He arrived in his classroom with an extra ten minutes before the start of his lecture.

By lunch, the students were discussing how excessively irritable and angry their potions professor was. Severus stalked to the professor's table, the students' conversations dropped to whispers as he passed by. He sneered at them, not caring what they thought. He only had one student on his mind, one who would not be coming down for dinner. One who was sitting in a hospital bed and, little did Snape know, crying his eyes out.

Harry sat in his bed and sobbed. He cried until his eyes burned and his head spun. Madame Pomfrey asked him what was wrong numerous times, but he never told her. Finally, she got Dumbledore. Harry was just as stubborn with him. He wanted his potions professor to come in and be the caring person he was before. Not the arrogant arsehole that most of the students knew. He cried into the late hours of the night, refusing food and finally collapsing in exhaustion around two in to morning.

Dumbledore called Snape into his office after dinner. "Headmaster," the surly voice greeted him.

"Severus, please, sit. Tea? Brandy?"

"No, sir," he declined as icily as he could manage.

"We'll get right to it then," Albus continued, sensing Severus's lack of interest in conversation. "Harry isn't doing well."

"He appeared fine this morning," he said without thinking.

"Indeed, though, it appears, as soon as you left, he was noticeably upset. To say the least."

"And what would it be to say the most."

"He spent the day crying."

_Crying? _Snape's mind echoed. _I made Potter cry? Me? Does he truly care that much?_ Severus scoffed, "Why should Potter be upset at my absence?" He inquired snarkily.

"Only you would know, Severus," Albus replied cryptically. Snape shot him a glare that would have made first years cry. Albus just responded with a small frown. "You seem to have a powerful effect on the boy. Don't abuse it."

"As though you haven't?" Severus accused.

"We learn as much from our own mistakes as we learn from others," he replied simply.

"Is that all?"

"You are free to go," he dismissed him from the office. Severus left, pain etched on his face as soon as he turned away from Dumbledore.

He fell into a chair in his chambers, a firewhiskey in his hand. It shook as he took a drink, anxiety consuming him. "What can I do!?" He cried to the emptiness. "What can I do?"


	18. Chapter 18: That Was Odd

Chapter 18: That Was Odd

Severus didn't sleep that night. He considered going back to the hospital wing to sit by Harry, but decided against it. If Harry was still angry with him, he didn't want to upset him further. Snape lay in his bed, looking up at the ceiling. _What to do about Potter. I can't tell him what he means to me, it would go against every rule here, _he thought bitterly. A single tear fell from his eye as he thought about continuing on as though Harry never entered his life._ Keeping up the façade would make everything easier, but do I really want to put Potter through the hell I endure every day? No. I can't do that to him; he doesn't deserve it. But he's a child! He doesn't understand what love is. He can't possibly understand… _Though, as he thought it, he didn't believe it. The clock read 3:57 as Severus pulled himself from his bed. He walked to the kitchen and poured himself some coffee, deciding there was no way in hell he would fall asleep.

Harry woke with the sunrise. His heart sank when he looked to the chair beside his bed and found it empty. He would have cried, but the tears wouldn't come; his eyes just burned. Madame Pomfrey came by with a breakfast tray leaving it on Harry's bedside table. He pushed it away, not wanting food. "Mr. Potter," she said as she passed his bed again, "You need to eat. I'll not having you starving yourself under my care!" He looked up at her, his eyes dull and empty. She shook her head sadly and walked away, not pushing the food issue. He looked at his hands and laced one in the other. _If only it was his hand. _His body shook with sobs; but the tears still didn't come. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up.

"I didn't think you would come," he whispered.

"Neither did I," the silken voice replied.

"I get to leave tomorrow," Harry said trying to maintain conversation.

"Yes you do," Snape replied softly. The silence stretched between them before he cleared his throat. "Come to my office tomorrow night," he said as he took a seat in the chair beside Harry.

"Uh okay… but why?"

"There's something I would like to discuss with you."

"Oh," he said, disheartened. Severus glanced around the room before he cupped Harry's cheek. He studied the young man before him. Harry's eyes were lifeless, dull, and bloodshot, dark circles revealed his sleep deprivation, the blanket slipped down to his waist clearly displaying his protruding ribs—

"Have you been eating?" Severus asked quickly, his hand still on Harry's cheek.

"I…um… no," he replied, still distracted to by the touch of his potions master.

"Potter," he said warningly, dropping his hand.

"I know. But you were gone…" Harry's cheek grieved the loss of contact.

"I wasn't gone long enough for you to have lost this much weight, Harry." When he remained quiet, Severus spoke again. "You meant it, didn't you?"

"Meant what?"

"You don't want to live in a world where I'm an arse to you," he whispered, guilt plaguing him.

"Of course I meant it," Harry grumbled quietly. Severus stood and reached an arm around him, pulling Potter as close as possible.

"I'm sorry, for everything." Harry leaned into him and in his scent. He never wanted this moment to end.

"Please, don't say it if you don't mean it," he replied. It hurt him to think Severus would lie to him, but he had to be sure.

"I do mean it," Snape said seriously, tightening his grip around him. "Unfortunately," he began, stepping back, "I have to teach in a few minutes." Harry smiled slightly. "What?"

"Do you really hate teaching?"

"Depends…" he replied, cryptically.

"…on?"

"Perhaps you'll figure it out… eventually," he said, smirking.

"Arse."

"Golden Boy." Harry fought back a laugh as Snape walked toward the door. "Eat," he commanded as he slipped out. Harry picked up a fork and poked at the food in front of him. It'd gone cold, much to his displeasure. He gave up after a few bites, his mind spinning with what Snape just said. His heart leapt into his throat as butterflies fluttered in his stomach. _He actually cares! _

Severus stalked to his first class, he was too distracted by his previous conversation with Harry to pay much attention to his students. They were shocked when the entire period passed without a single insult or snide comment to a Gryffindor.

"Has he gone mad?" Ron asked Hermione as they walked down the hall.

"Maybe he's just in a better mood with Harry gone," she replied softly, not wanting Snape to overhear.

"What do you think landed him in the hospital wing?"

"I don't know; but whatever it was, they're hiding it from us," she said with venom in her voice.

"What's wrong with you?" He snapped.

"I'm worried about Harry!" Hermione retorted.

"Well I am too but I'm at least being civil!"

She shook her head and took a deep breath before speaking calmly, "What do you think happened?"

Ron was thrown off by her sudden change in tone but answered anyway. "Do you think Snape is tied to what happened to Harry?"

"He's an arse, but he wouldn't intentionally endanger a student. I mean, he saved Harry first year, right?"

"He did," said a cool voice behind them. Hermione squeaked and dropped her books while Ron stiffened. They turned around slowly to meet Snape's scowl.

"Um… Hi Professor," Hermione said lamely as Ron collected her books.

"Weasley!" He snapped. Ron practically threw the books he was holding and stood to look Snape in the eyes.

"Y-yes?"

"Now that I have all your attention," he continued looking between the brunette and ginger, "Potter will be released from the infirmary tomorrow." Snape turned on his heel and stalked away before either of them could reply.

"That was…" Ron began.

"Odd," Hermione finished for him as they slowly made their way to their next class.


	19. Chapter 19: Memories

Chapter 19: Memories

The rest of the day dragged by slowly for everyone. Hermione's hands shook as she attempted to diligently take notes. She was anxious to see Harry, relieved that he was alive but worried about what kind of state he would be in. Ron, on the other hand, had given up on taking notes entirely. He was staring off into space, thinking about dinner. While he was worried about Harry, he rationalized that there was nothing he could do for him at the moment and it was stupid to worry. Plus, he was absolutely starving. "Ronald!" Hermione's sharp tone pulled Rom back to reality.

"What?"

"Did you hear a word I said?"

"Yeah, you said my name. Loudly," he complained, rubbing the ear closest to her.

She huffed in exasperation before speaking. "As I was saying, do you think Harry's okay?" He gave her a look suggesting that she had just asked the stupidest question he'd ever heard. "You know what I meant."

"Actually I don't," he admitted, staring at the ground. The words from Harry's letter about them dating rang through his head. He liked her before, but now with the words out in the open, the thought rarely left his mind. Ron thought back to that night:

_Hermione had been working on homework in one of the comfy chairs. He never quite understood how she was able to balance five books and all her quills in her lap, but he ignored her as he waited for Harry to return. After an hour went by he spoke, "Do you think he's alright?"_

"_Hm?" Hermione asked, setting one of her numerous quills down._

"_Do you think Harry's okay?" She checked the time as he spoke._

"_It is rather late…" she whispered almost to herself. Ron nodded as she closed her books. "Do you think we should go look for him?" Hermione asked, panic rising in her voice._

"_Probably wouldn't be a bad idea," he mumbled. _

"_Damn!" She muttered._

"_What?"_

"_I lost one of my quills!" She exclaimed as though it was the end of the world itself. _

"_Oh," he replied, sounding highly uninterested. She shoved her hand into the crevice between the arm of the chair and the cushion. _

"_Got it!" _

"_Oh good, you've saved us all," he said sarcastically. She rolled her eyes as she pulled the quill up. Her hand brushed a bit of parchment, fearing it was some off her notes, she pulled it up as well. Hermione's brows furrowed as she unfolded the parchment. _

"_Ron!" She shrieked. _

"_What?! Does it have an ink splatter or something?" He asked, feigning worry._

"_I'm serious," she said solemnly _

_The joke 'No, you're Hermione!' died in his throat as he saw the fear and tears in her eyes. "What is it?" He asked, concern in his voice._

"_It's Harry," she said through soft sobs as she handed Ron the note. He read it, his eyes widening as he scanned each line. _

"_No," he mumbled. Ron felt as though he couldn't get enough breath into his lungs. "This can't be happening," he said hysterically._

_Hermione took a deep breath and put her hand on his arm. "We need to get McGonagall," she said calmly._

"_Yeah. Yeah, we do," he replied with a shaking voice. Ron wondered why she was so calm, but the thought few from his mind as she practically dragged him into the hallway. The next thing he knew, he was running with Hermione to McGonagall's office. They pounded on the door until it opened, revealing an extremely disheveled McGonagall, with her wand raised. _

"_What is the meaning of this?!" She demanded, looking from one to the other. Hermione's lip quivered as she held the note out to her. Minerva's eyes widened as she read the lines. "Back to your dormitory, now!" She said harshly. _

"_But, Professor," Hermione tried to argue. She was silenced by the sharp glare she received. They made it back to the common room just as an alarm bell they'd never heard began ringing. _

"_Bloody hell!" Ron yelled, covering his ears. "What is that?!" He screamed over the noise. _

_As if answering his question, a mechanical voice ran through the rooms and corridors, "Students are to report back to their respective dormitories at once." It repeated itself five times before fading back into the alarm bells. Finally, there was silence, dead silence. _

_Ron sighed heavily and felt Hermione lean into him. He put his arms around her, not really knowing what he was doing. Everyone around them was whispering rumours about what they'd heard as they were rushing to get back to the Gryffindor common room. Harry's absence was noted and suddenly everyone had a reason why he was gone. Ron shook his head as he pulled Hermione into a chair in an alcove, away from the hustle and bustle of Gryffindors and their elaborate stories. _

"RON!" Hermione's yell snapped him back to reality. "Seriously, how do you get anything done!?"

"Uhhh, sorry?"

"Never mind. Let's go," she grumbled.

"Where are we going?"

"If you'd listened, you would know, wouldn't you?" He rolled his eyes and followed her to dinner. She noticed the grin on his face when he saw the food and elbowed him in the ribs.

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For paying more attention to the food than what I was saying earlier," she replied, laughing. He shrugged and sat beside her at the table. The empty place where Harry should have been loomed before them.

Severus momentarily stared at the empty spot at the Gryffindor table. He wasn't the least bit hungry, but couldn't raise suspicion by not attending the meal. _I wonder how Potter's doing. Alone in the hospital wing. _He shuddered at the thought of him being alone. Severus knew Poppy was there, and as comforted by her skills as he was, he knew there was always possibility for error. He also wanted to see him. Snape loathed to admit it, but he was starting to miss Harry all the time. He shook his head at his own stupidity before realizing that he probably looked a bit crazy to anyone paying attention to his actions. Quickly, Severus glanced around to see if anyone was giving him an odd look and relaxed when he found everyone to be engrossed in Minerva's story about a transformation gone awry. He smirked at her when she concluded her humorous tale. She offered a small smile in response.

Once it was acceptable for Severus to leave the dining hall, he did so. He walked as quickly as he could to the infirmary, just to ease his panicked mind. When he arrived, Harry was propped in a sitting position, but his eyes were closed and he was dozing. Snape quietly sat in the chair beside him, taking in the beautiful raven-haired one before him. He brushed a stray hair back in place and Harry opened an eye. He smiled at his potions master. "Did you have a good day?" He whispered.

"No, but when do I ever?" Severus joked. Harry smiled at him. Snape knew he had to have a serious talk with Potter later but it could wait. Nothing felt better than seeing Harry smile. _Well, perhaps there are a few things,_ Severus thought with a smirk.

"What are you thinking?" Harry asked.

"Oh nothing, but that smile looks lovely on you," he whispered; of course, after he made sure no one was around. Harry blushed and his smile got wider. Severus's heart skipped a beat at the sight.

"It gets lonely here with you gone," he whispered softly. In response, Severus took his hand and they sat there in comfortable silence until they fell asleep.


End file.
